Wake Me...I'm Dead.

"Look at me-I'm Shattered." - The Rolling Stones

There are so many words, and not enough all at the same time to describe the condition of my heart right now. It is amazing the depth of the human heart. Even more amazing - the heart of God for the human heart. I am struggling so much right now to understand the love God says he has for me. This seems like basic "Christian" knowledge. You know, "For God so loved the world that he gave his only son...John 3:16). However, being a Christian has become more of an idea than a relationship to so many people. How can the idea of God produce the love of the Father, God? It can't. Anyway, this has been a problem for me lately. To simply know (because I am told by people and the Bible) that God loves me and wants to restore my heart to wholeness is not enough. I must experience it. This is another problem. I have access to God through the Holy Spirit, and I ask for wholeness and healing. It just hasn't happened yet...for a long time. I am at the point of cynicism. This is not good! I pray, talk to God for a while, and ask him to make himself known - to give me something that will heal the deep wounds of my heart. After doing so my immediate thought is usually, "Yeah right. Don't hold your breath." I hate this.

I am reading an amazing book right now called Waking the Dead - The Gory of a Heart Fully Alive, by John Eldredge. This is a big deal. First of all, I am not a big read-for-fun kinda girl. I like to write, but reading bores me most of the time. Not this time. I have had the book for three days and I'm almost done. Anyway, the focus of the book is the restoration of a broken, divided heart. I have cried several times while reading it because so much of it reflects me right now. Eldredge talks about the spiritual war going on for the heart. Satan wants to steal, kill, and destroy my glory. God wants to defeat him and unveil my glory. God wants to show me that my heart is good. He did not make it evil or worthless. He did not create me to shrink back to nothingness. That is not who God is.

The cuts in my heart are deep. So deep that repair and wholeness seem impossible. I have been an explosion-waiting-to-happen lately. The smallest things set me off. Instead of rejoicing in other's triumphs, I cry out of jealousy and inadequacy. "You will never be anything to anyone" is what runs through my head. Lies! Lies from Satan! I know. But I have lost control of my heart and my emotions. I can't stop the tears when they start. I can't keep from anger and depression. This is where God is. WHAT? That's right. God is here at the point of me losing control. He has control. I believe that he can, and will restore this painful brokenness in my heart. He is surfacing things right now because I have to look them in the face, take his hand, and walk through them. He is refusing to let me run away this time. I always run. I hide behind a smile so often because I want to control my pain. I think that if I stuff it down deep enough I will forget it is there. It is time to get to the root of all this.

God, what is it you need to heal? Find it in me and dissolve it. I give you permission to pull out every hurt. Bind the pieces of my heart together. Give life to this dead body. I need you to heal me. I need restoration. I need hope. Forgive me for handling this brokenness with false comforters. Nothing and no one can fix my heart. Only you can. Let me hear your words of comfort. Surround me with your presence, and let me know you're working in me. Unveil my beauty, and the glory you have for me.

John Eldredge quotes Saint Irenaeus, "The glory of God is man fully alive." Without a heart fully alive -whole, the glory of God in us cannot be revealed.

Let the healing begin.

All in a day's work...

I work in a kid's store. I love every minute of it too. As a woman I can just see myself having little ones running around some day.

Today my main job was greeting in the front of the store. This is usually the job I least enjoy because the time passes slower than if I were working registers. However, today was an exception to my boredom. These are a few things I observed.

Parents are frazzled!!! I cannot even count the number of parents that came in today frustrated by the holiday rush (Christmas is two days away!) and stir-crazy from the Christmas Blizzard of 2006! Many of them only came in the store to let their kids play for ten minutes while they sat down to take a breather. When I started thinking about this I realized just how important it is to take a break from life. Even if this means loitering in a store when you have no intention of buying anything! In the intense pace of life we all need, and deserve, a break.

Kids are imitators. We have this three piece kitchen set (really fancy...really expensive). This toy is nicer than any toy I had growing up. It was a favorite among many of the young ones today. Why? I'll tell you. Kids like to imitate their parents. Boys and girls alike were drawn to this concept (a kitchen with play food and dishes) because they got to show off their domestic skills to mom and dad. Upon seeing this I realized how God watches us imitate things. Whether it be Him or the world. He created us to learn. He created our parents and the people around us to teach us how to act, play, and survive.

Toward the middle of my shift a lady came in with her daughter. The little girl was probably four or five years old. She too was fascinated by the kitchen set. She played joyfully while her mom watched. After about five minutes her mom said, "Don't move! I need to go look at something and I'll be right back. DON'T MOVE!" My initial thought was, "Okay, so her mom sees me standing here as she tells her not to leave the store or wander around. Do I look like her babysitter? Does she think her daughter, being five, is actually going to listen to her?" The mom walked away to shop, and the daughter obeyed. She continued to play with the kitchen set. This was unusual to me. I mean, I get it - the toy is pretty amazing. However, most kids would have jumped at the chance to freak mommy out by running out of the story with some unpaid merchandise. Also, this is a trust issue. The mom trusted the daughter would listen, and the daughter trusted her mom would return shortly. This was the big one for me today. I have been so stuck lately in this rut where I find little happiness in anything I do. I'm not just trying to be negative here. I'm just telling the truth. In the scheme of things I have been a kid running out of the store on a whim, only to be engulfed by a crowded mall full of people (the world) without a plan. I have stepped out of the trust I had for God and his intentions for my life. My heart has been rebellious. Instead of waiting patiently for Him to return and follow through I think, "He has walked away, and it is unlikely he cares enough to come back." so I run. This spoke to me loud and clear. "When God says, "DON'T MOVE!" I better not move." First of all, I need to trust Him again (a lot of effort on my part). Second, I need to be more disciplined and "on-purpose" about the things I do (instead of just going with the flow). Third, I need to not move. I am where I am for a reason (vaguely known by me) and I wouldn't be here if it wasn't God's will for my life. In the words of an amazing friend of mine, "It will either turn out good, or it will turn out good!" Blessings come when you're doing what God wills you to do. The more I try to do things for myself, the more I take away from what God has for my life.

I am learning this lesson the hard way. I am at the bottom of a mountain looking up. There isn't an easy button. I have to go through the rough terrain to find out what is at the top, and on the other side.

These are just a few things. I hope they touched you in some way. Don't Move! Let God move you!

My Soul on a Platter

It has been a while since I wrote something so deep within me. It has been so long since I have poured my soul into anything. I feel as though I am living two lives and working my butt off only to find disappointment waiting for me at the end of the day. So, here it is. All of me - as of right now.

My life is complicated. It always has been. In every area I have had to work so hard to succeed. I hate halfway doing things. I like order. I like having a plan. My room is full of clean lines and symmetry. I clean when I get angry. I cry a lot. I hate it when plans fall through. I like people to encourage me. I need it. I absolutely cannot be shallow (believe me I have tried). My self confidence wavers often. I start new journals (and blogs) when I don't like what I have written. I would rather pretend something didn't happen rather than deal with it. I start over often...if you haven't noticed. I am not carefree. I have always been a worrier. I care about people. I have very few close friends that I would tell anything and everything to. I hate leftovers (never as good as the first time). I suck at managing time and money. I dream of getting married someday. I want kids. I love God. I love to worship. I procrastinate most things. I sleep to little. I am unsure of myself. I say dumb things when I am nervous. I could go on for hours.

I am stretched to my limit right now. I am almost to a breaking point. I am reading a book right now about thinking right thoughts and being positive, but frankly, I don't feel like suppressing my emotions right now. I feel like crap currently and I am writing about it. There are so many things I cannot understand. The more I go toward one goal - the more I walk away from a dream. Why can't my goals and dreams work together? Why does it seem like no one else deals with as much frustration as I do?

I want so many things. They seem unreachable. I want to be in love again. It seems impossible. I want to look in the mirror and see what God sees. I want to know my worth. I want others to value me. I want to speak my mind to someone, but I am afraid to get my heart broken. I want to go back in time and change a few things. I want something that seems impossible. I want God to come through with his promises for me. I want to be comfortable in my skin - confident. I want to be beautiful. I want my sadness to dry up and be replaced with overwhelming joy and satisfaction. I want to be stronger.

I feel empty. I am running in circles. God, rescue me and show me you haven't walked away from me.

How Long?

Psalm 13

1 How long, O LORD ?

Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

and every day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?

3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"

and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

5 But I trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

6 I will sing to the LORD,

for he has been good to me.

Memory Lane

I'm taking a walk! That's all. I'll get back to you.

Friends.

I am so blessed to have such amazing friends. I often take for granted just how much my friends influence and shape my life. I don't know what I would do without them.

Tonight I went out with three of my college friends. We ate dinner and exchanged Christmas presents. Then, we went to see Rhema Lights at Rhema Bible Church. I had so much fun just being with my girls.

To all my friends(those at ORU and back home):

I love you and am so blessed to know you. You will never know the depth of my care for you. You will never know all the ways in which you have enriched my life. Thank you for investing your life in me. I am thankful for you. I hope I am half the friend you are to me!

I love you,
Amber

Not Who I Want to Be

Many people live like they're Corporate America. By this I mean they step on people and do whatever it takes to come out on top. This is not who I want to be. The mentality of "I've done what is necessary for me, so I will just have to count my losses" is not a good one to have. There is a fine line between doing something for yourself to grow as a person, and doing something for yourself just to be the best at it. Sometimes I wonder if I have trampled people to get where I am at. I don't think I have, but it may just be a matter of interpretation. These thoughts we spurred on when I was listening to Coldplay's song "Trouble". Here's the song:

Trouble - Coldplay
Oh no I see
A spider web it's tangled up with me
And I lost my head
The thought of all the stupid things I said

Oh no what's this
A spider web and I'm caught in the middle
So I turned to run
The thought of all the stupid things I've done

And oh I never meant to cause you trouble
And oh and I never meant to do you wrong
And oh well if I ever caused you trouble
Oh no I never meant to do you harm

Oh no I see
A spider web and it's me in the middle
So I twist and turn
Here am I in my little bubble

Oh I never meant to cause you trouble
Oh I never meant to do you wrong
Oh well if I ever caused you trouble
Oh no I never meant to do you harm

They spun a web for me
They spun a web for me
They spun a web for me

For Loss of Love

Losing love is one of the most painful things I know of. To see it is to fear it, and to know it is to never want to go through it again. Losing love makes one second guess everything. It causes a person to want to run away, to give up on everything. It hurts in every way. Crying is all a person can do.

This is a sad topic. Today I saw a friend of mine lose love. I want to cry for her. I know the hurt she is experiencing. She feels hopeless. I wrote this for her. She is a beautiful person inside and out. She is close to my heart. Although she has lost him, she hasn't lost us - her friends.

For Loss of Love

For Loss of Love
Love is no more
No longer his
No longer your's
Painful tears
Endlessly pour
For Loss of Love
Love is no more.

Take care of those you love. Cherish them. Love them with all you have...and never stop.

With Love,
Am

Awkward Turtle

And it goes a little something like this...

"Eh...ha ha...oh....hmmm...heh...yeah...so........anyway..."

awk·ward [ áwkwərd ]
adjective

Definition:

1. embarrassing: embarrassing and requiring great tact or skill to

2. difficult or uncomfortable to use: difficult to use because requiring the body to be moved into an uncomfortable position

3. performed gracelessly: performed in a way that lacks grace and looks uncomfortable

4. without graceful coordination: lacking physical coordination and grace

5. shyly uncomfortable: shy, uncomfortable
(www.encarta.com)

Ladies and Gentlemen,

It is time we bust out our friend Mr. Awkward Turtle. Mr. Awkward Turtle comes out when a person suffers from "foot-in-mouth" syndrome, or just does something stupid. Foot-in-mouth syndrome is very common. It is especially common in my life. I admit I am not a very shallow person, and that is a good thing. However, being a person interested in "really" getting to know people makes small talk very awkward. I can think of numerous occasions where I have been awkward. I am learning to laugh at myself. I have been practicing a lot lately.

I wanted to talk about awkward moments because they are so funny to me. I asked a few girls on my hall to tell me what some of their awkward moments were. Here are a few for your enjoyment.

"So, I was walking to class one day and I saw one of my guy friends. He went to hug me, and must have been in a really friendly mood. He picked me up and spun me around. Our belts clashed together. I laughed it off and walked to class..."

"I was walking back from a babysitting job. It had snowed very heavily and I slipped on the ice. Instead of just gathering my things and getting up quietly, I yelled out, "I HATE ICE!" Right then, a few guys walked by me and gave me weird looks..."

"I had a crush on this guy. I went to watch him play football one day. He jumped up to catch the ball and scored. After the game we were walking together. I couldn't think of what to say because I was nervous. I looked at him and said, "You played awesome and you jump really high!"...he said, "really?" and then kept walking in silence for a minute..."YOU JUMP REALLY HIGH? WHO SAYS THAT?...awkward..."

"I always feel awkward when I am hanging out with couples. It is weird to be the single one. The worst is when a couple is fighting right in front of you..."

"I was meeting the parents of a girl on my hall. I had been eating salted peanuts. The dad went to shake my hand and I said, "Sorry. I got nut salt on my hand."...I was so embarrassed!"

"I was was hanging out at a pool hall where my friend's band was playing. I leaned over on the pool table in the back to watch the band. My friend came to stand beside me and he put his hand on my shoulder. He went to move his hand and "accidentally" touched my butt."...it was so awkward..."

Well, these are only a few. Please comment this blog with your most awkward moment! You don't have to sign your name to anything. I'll post Part 2 in a few days.

Love Love!
Am

Change

Do you ever look back on your life and think, "How did I get here?" I am not talking about how I came to be a as a physical person - like being born. I am talking about waking up in a life I hadn't planned on. This is not a bad thing. It is just different.

I thought about this today. You see, I am currently attending Oral Roberts University. If you were to ask anyone I went to high school with if I would move away for college they probably would have laughed in your face. I was the girl in high school with a steady boyfriend. He was captain of the football team. I was captain of the cheerleading squad. We were high school sweethearts and dated beyond graduation. I had my life planned around marrying him. I seriously thought I would. I was happy with my plan. You know what though? God had a different plan for my life.

And, another thing...I have wanted to be a nurse my entire life. I was on a waiting list in Colorado for two years before I got accepted anywhere. I finally got accepted to a school in Denver, but chose to drop everything to go to ORU.

Now, I am sitting in my dorm room at a ridiculous hour writing about where I came from, and where I am now. I am amazed by God's movement in my life. No, it hasn't been an easy road. Yes, I am uncomfortable with all this change about 95% of the time. And, yes. I have joy. I am not happy all the time, but I have joy. I choose every day to keep walking this walk. I don't know where I am walking to, or who I will encounter in my life. My career path is the same, but where will I be used? There is a vast world out there that I have yet to impact.

So much has changed in me. I say it so much. I am not the same person I once was.

Content

Today I am content. In fact, I have been all week. The funny thing...this is the first time in a long time I have stopped searching for life, and just let it happen on its own. It's like I am afraid to jinx it or something. I'm afraid to ruin it. Crazy. Nothing interesting has happened. I am just content.