anchor

Eternity - Misty Edwards

2008-05-30T21:36:00.000-07:00

Eternity's eternal song, 

Is drawing me away, it's calling me away 

It's calling me away

All flesh is grass, fading away. 

Only You last, only You remain 

All flesh is grass, fading away. 

Only You last, only You remain the same, You never change.

Holy, holy, holy, You are fairer than then sons of men

Eternity's eternal song, 

Is drawing me away, it's calling me away 

It's calling me away

Eternity's eternal song, 

Is drawing me away, it's calling me away It's calling me away

Surely man is like the flower of the field, 

And life is but a vapor, at best but a vapor. 

Surely man is like a flower of the field, 

And the fragrance but a vapor, at best but a vapor.

But you O God, Are better than a thousand blooms. 

Hallelujah, Amen! Hallelujah Amen!

Hallelujah Amen! Hallelujah Amen!

Eternities Eternity's eternal song, 

Is drawing me away, it's calling me away 

It's calling me away

Eternity's eternal song

i am...

2008-05-02T22:37:00.000-07:00

... officially exhausted.

Today was "the great dorm move-out."

The past two days I have discovered that I have WAY too much stuff! Call me a pack-rat, but I hold on to things. While moving today I found cards, notes, bank statements, my college acceptance letter, and more. I am the sentimental type. I am also the type to try and learn something from everything. Today, I realized how much I hold on to, and also, how much I have let go of.

I, as of Thursday, have completed my junior year of nursing school. I cannot express the amount of accomplishment I feel. This year has, by far, been the hardest of them all - nursing and the rest of my life. My nursing class lost about fifteen people due to failure to make adequate test grades. My emotions have been a roller coaster ride. My heart has sustained break, re-break, disappointment, joy, and now contentment. Sometimes I still freak out a little. Growing up is never easy. Independence can be a lonely road. I know this full well. I have let go of a lot to pursue this nursing shindig. I left home, friends, people I care about - all to follow this dream of mine. I believe it's going to be worth it.

I seem to keep getting reminders that God has me in His hands. I need not worry about anything. I am ready for this summer. I believe it is going to be another season of change for me. However, this time - this summer - is going to be different. I am passionate about pouring my heart into worship again. I believe God is going to pull some things out of me through it. I am excited to see growth in my walk with God, and in myself. I am ready to grow up a little more. No more messing around.

With that said, I'm going to go to bed now.

We shall see...

2008-02-23T22:31:00.000-08:00

There is this little thing called fear that creeps up on me every now and then. Today, I was caught off guard by it. The reason...

I used to be the girl who wore her heart on her sleeve. At any moment you could look at me and see my thoughts written on my face. I could say anything to anyone without thinking about what it might mean. I threw my heart at a boy without a care, or a thought that it might not be safe with him. Maybe it was safe at the time, but I eventually found out that it wasn't. Ever since then I have been so guarded. I wear a mask with guys. I am guilty of leading a few of them on. I hate to disappoint.

My dilemma is that I actually, genuinely like someone right now, but I am terrified of saying so - at least to his face. My expectations are very high. I am picky. I know what I am looking for in someone I want to end up with. I refuse to ever settle again. I just don't want to get my heart broken.

So, here is this fear looming over me. Fear that I will not be good enough. Fear that I will, or he will fall short of expectations. Fear that things might actually go well.

I guess we shall see...

This and That.

2007-12-29T20:48:00.001-08:00

1. I am home from college for Christmas break. There is a reoccurring theme in coming home. It is like I am not quite sure what to do with myself. I really do not think I know how to rest. At school I am always running around. I have a purpose. At home I get bored and feel aimless. Don't get me wrong!!! This break was much needed and I am enjoying my family and my own bed. Still, I believe I feel this way because I am not meant to be home at this point in my life.

2. I am going to be in a wedding tomorrow. One of my best friends from high school is tying the knot with an amazing man. I am so excited for this new season in their relationship! Congratulations John and Leah!

3. On the topic of relationships...

There is no one in particular that has captivated my attention at this moment in time. I must admit I struggle in the relationship area. I am very picky and it takes me a long time to trust people with my heart, so I just don't give it away. I think it is hard to do so when you've gotten burned in the past. I am working on letting go of things I have been so angry about for so long. I think there is still some healing taking place in my mind and heart. I am figuring out how to deal with the insecurities I have about myself. So, for now I am taking it easy.

4. I love God so much! He always knows what I need. The other night I almost lost it! I was lonely and frustrated. God was there, as he always is. I know that He loves me fully and that there is no one that can fill my heart like He does. Sometimes I forget that He holds the world in His hands and that He created me for a divine purpose! I am needed for His plan to be fulfilled on this earth. I am amazed at the grace I am given through Jesus! I rejoice at the sound of His voice and find peace in His presence. I was talking to a friend about Heaven today and how marvelous it is going to be to sing "Hosanna!" with the angels, to walk next to Jesus, and to experience life without pain and suffering! I cannot wait for Jesus to return and call His people home.

5. I like to throw in a little review every now and then...

I was surfing through iTunes to spend the $15 gift card I got in my stocking this Christmas when I stumbled upon Ian McIntosh. He is a Christian artist with a unique style. The music consists of a lot of piano and electric guitars. When I first heard it I thought of Jason Upton worship and Sigur Ros. The lyrics are like most Christian music lyrics. The concepts are not anything new or unheard of. I enjoy the songs because they fit where I am at right now. The album "Awakened" reflects a heart longing to be filled and loved again being awakened by the greatest love, the Creator. The songs "Fully Loved" and "Made to Love" are encouraging because they speak the truth about God's love for us and His purpose for our lives. The progression of the album is a lost and broken spirit that calls upon the Lord to heal the hurt and rejection that is awakened to the glory of Father! The final song on the album is called "Adoration", which exemplifies joy, peace, and thankfulness. Check him out!

6. Enjoy this random blog. = )

Life.

2007-11-26T19:50:00.002-08:00

Oh the joys of growing up. The excitement and strain of college life mixed with a thousand emotions and roller coaster circumstances keeps me on my toes. I can only look back and laugh at the way things have turned out thus far. I have managed to become this woman who loves God with her whole heart, who is plowing through Nursing school, and whose dreams are bigger and more impossible than ever. My desire for love and family grows every day, but I am learning how to trust God with this part of my story. So many times I wish that I could just know where I'll be in the next few years. I wish I could say I was patient enough for God to reveal the amazing plans he has. Again, I am learning.

The beauty of right now is that I have come to a place where I feel I have developed a little self-control and diligence. Self-control in trying to give my heart away is a new thing I am grasping. Diligence in my walk with God and in my studies has caused trust to grow and my grades to go up. I feel a little more satisfied with who I am every day. I feel more competent and less confused. I am excited for the things to come.

Just a short note to update you on my silly life.

A little review.

2007-11-26T19:33:00.000-08:00

I have been listening to The Village Sessions by John Mayer tonight. I love the acoustic style of the songs on this album. It really makes the lyrics seem more personal. Have a listen.

to be like her...

2007-11-09T10:52:00.000-08:00

I have been reading a lot in Esther and in Ruth lately. I am amazed at the amount of encouragement I have received from their stories. I feel that right now in my life God is restoring my strength as a woman. He is helping me through a time of significant transformation. This time of rebuilding who I am in Him has been painful, but I am confident that His plan will be revealed to me through it. Today, I would like to talk about some of the lessons I am learning through these virtuous women.

Esther is my favorite female character in the Bible. Her strength, courage, and boldness inspire me to be like her. Esther was an incredibly beautiful Jewish woman. Her parents died when she was very young, so she was raised by Mordecai, her cousin. When King Xerxes' wife refused Him, one of his nobles suggested that the King send out an edict that brought many young women to the palace for a chance to become the new Queen. Esther was one of the women chosen. The Bible says, in Esther 2, that Esther found favor with the King's council, and she underwent twelve months of beautification treatments before she could be presented to King Xerxes. She also found favor with him. Esther's cousin, Mordecai, came to her with news that one of Xerxes officials was trying to kill all the Jews in the land. It was Esther who went to King Xerxes (which is punishable by death if not summoned by him) and requested that her people be saved. She even said, "If I perish, I perish" (Esther 3:16). The King spared her life and her people. There is a part of the story where Mordecai is asking Esther to approach the King. He says to her that she was placed in her situation of power "for such a time as this" (Esther 3:14). God gave her favor with the King in order to save her people.

Ruth was a Moabite woman. She lived with her husband and his family. She was very close with her mother-in-law, Naomi. Naomi's husband died, and then Ruth's husband died, and then Ruth's sister-in-law's husband died. The three women were left with nothing. Naomi urged both of her daughters-in-law to go back to their families, and hopefully then, they would remarry. Ruth's sister-in-law complied, but Ruth was faithful to stay with Naomi. Ruth and Naomi went back to Moab, where they me Boaz, a relative of Naomi's husband. Ruth went out into his fields and gathered the leftover harvest. Boaz was pleased with her faithfulness and her desire to be a servant. At the end of the story, Boaz marries Ruth and restores her family's home.

I want to be like Esther. I want to sacrifice myself for others, step out in authority and boldness, and walk in favor everywhere I go. I want to be like Ruth, serving others and finding restoration. I want to be like Naomi; stripped of everything I have (even though it is hard) in order to inherit the blessings God has for me. I want to be a virtuous woman, striving to walk out God's plan for my life. I want to see what He sees in me. I want to get so lost in Him that people have to search His heart to find mine.

The past few weeks have been extremely difficult. God really is stripping me of everything I rely on in order to find Him. My heart has been shattered and stepped on. My emotions have been overwhelming. I have been depressed and bitter. My self-esteem has been crumbling beneath me. My computer crashed. My iPod broke. My finances are a mess. I have been trying to keep my head above the water, so I don't drown in circumstances. I have found myself crying out to God to rescue me, but for a while he has been so silent. God, what should I do?

The encouragement I have received from Him is to continue to be faithful. God wants me to be faithful to Him and where He has placed me. Like Esther, I am where I am for such a time as this. Like Ruth followed Naomi, I want to follow Jesus. Like Naomi, I want to press on in the midst of the trouble. I am learning to praise God in the middle of hell, to never give up hope, to remember that He loves me. As Oral Roberts would say, "God is a good God!"

I am being refined by fire. God, may I come out of this more beautiful than I have ever been before!

Sell Myself.

2007-10-27T18:47:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of things about God and about life that I do not understand right now. I am amazed at the immense amount of pain I have suffered in my life, and at the same time bitter about it. I love God with all my heart, but have struggled this week to feel like he cares anything about me. I know in my head that he cares. My heart is having a little harder of a time believing it. I feel like a salesperson. 'Hi! My name is Amber. This is who I am. Is it good enough for you?' Lately, it seems no one is interested in what I have to offer. I hate to admit it, but I am beginning to doubt myself. It is hard to be obedient to God and not see any fruit produced. I ask Him to speak. There just aren't any answers for me at this time. God is silent, and I am still waiting to hear from Him. I am ready for some life in this body, mind, and heart. Where is the joy? Where is the hope spoken of in Jeremiah 29:11? Where is the glory spoken of in Psalm 73? Where is the boldness of Esther that was spoken over my life? Where is the destiny that brought me to ORU found...not just the career, but the calling of God? When will God's glorious plan be revealed in me? I am gripping my faith right now. I know God will come through somehow, but when?

Finally...

2007-09-30T11:24:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling so uninspired to write for a while. It is not that I don't want to write. I have just felt like I have nothing useful to contribute. Before, when I would write blogs, I would throw caution to the wind! I wrote passionately about my life and about truth. Lately, I have been writing blogs, but not publishing any of them because I fear no one will care, or that my writing will be judged. Writing is an outlet of the heart. If my writing is judged, so is my heart. So, here I go again...with passion.

I am a woman. Like most women, I find myself worrying all the time about the future. I am in no hurry to settle down as of now, but I get lonely sometimes. I have a little more than a year and a half of nursing school left. How on earth will I get all this work done? How will I pass Pharmacology? My stress load is insane. My family and friendships are so important to me; I have to schedule time to spend with the people I love. The ease of general education classes is gone. Staying up late to make music videos with the girls is a rare occurrence these days. I am tired...so tired.

It is in the midst of this exhaustion that I find I need God closer. I struggle including him in my busy schedule. I love Him SO much, and I want to spend more time with Him. I also have a hard time trusting Him sometimes. I have a heart bursting with desire! I ask, "God! When will I sing to you again? When will your promises manifest? When will I see the fruit of my labor?" How do I trust God when He is so silent - when the plan He has is different from the one I have? How do I give up control?

I spent about an hour the other day wrestling with God over an issue I have dealt with for the past few years. It is so hard to let go of a dream that was so close to coming true. It is difficult to see past the now, and to look toward what will be. Anyway, it took me the entire hour to give it to God completely. I finally loosened my grip, and I let Him take it. It is amazing the amount of relief I felt afterward. Now, I look back over the past few days and see that problems are so much bigger when we try to solve them without God. I feel like I can breathe now. I feel like I can trust a little more today. I will be able to trust even more as I continue to seek Him.

I love Jeremiah 29:11-14. This is the message version of the passage.

I know what I am doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. "When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. When you come looking for me, you'll find me. Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed. " God's Decree.

I hear from God through worship and through others. Sometimes when He is trying to get a point across to me He does it through repetition. I'll hear the same teaching on a subject in multiple places. All I have been hearing lately is about surrendering my life to God, and letting Him direct the path I am on. Not only this, but also to walk in confidence in who He has made me to be, and called me to be. I am tired of inadequacy. It is such a huge lie! I'm done with comparing myself to others, and feeling like I'm less than they are. I don't care if my writing is judged. My heart is on a platter and I am offering it to anyone needing a little encouragement during this time.

I love the song that says, "I am running, running after you. You've become my soul's delight." As of now, I am sprinting toward the heart of God. My hope is to hear, and feel, and know His heartbeat. Whether through nursing, or worship, or encouraging others, He is the reason I live.

Finally.

rusty...summer randomness...and thankfulness

2007-07-17T18:25:00.000-07:00

I admit I am rusty at this whole writing thing. If you think I'm lying - check out the date on my last post! Wow. June 6, 2007. Way to go, Amber!

This summer has flown by. I knew it would. Summer just isn't the same as it used to be. It used to seem like the days of going to the pool every day and eating freezer pops on the burning sidewalk would never end. Time just keeps passing so fast now.

My friend Erika from Nursing school came to visit. We ran all over this amazing city and through the mountains, saw an amazing show, visited an amusement park, and ate until we could not possibly eat anymore! I am so blessed to have such amazing, lifelong friends.

It is not possible to look at my life and not see how much God has really done for me. As we were driving through the mountains my heart felt the heartbeat of God. The depths of his beauty and creativity left me speechless. We climbed up to a waterfall that overlooked the entire mountain range. Wow! God, you are so good!!

I recognize the randomness of this blog, but I thought I would attempt to get back into this. So, there you have it! Rusty, Summer Randomness, and Thankfulness...all in the same post!

Get this...

2007-06-06T00:44:00.000-07:00

I have been contemplating the past few days about Religion vs. Anti-Religion. I can honestly say I am sick of hearing accusations either way. I'll give some examples and then a piece of my mind.

Religion

re·li·gion [ ri líjjən ] (plural re·li·gions)
noun

Definition:

1. beliefs and worship: people's beliefs and opinions concerning the existence, nature, and worship of a deity or deities, and divine involvement in the universe and human life

2. system: an institutionalized or personal system of beliefs and practices relating to the divine

3. personal beliefs or values: a set of strongly-held beliefs, values, and attitudes that somebody lives by

It is my opinion that my generation is anti-religion. We focus so much on avoiding looking "religious" because we think it makes us unable to relate to the world.

I have heard references to religion in the context of legalism. Legalism implies that one does everything right within a moral or religious code. In this case, being religious is undesirable. Religion is viewed as an out-dated extreme.

On the other hand, it is the trend to be anti-religious. I heard this said once, "I would rather live on the borderline of being worldly so people can relate to me than get caught up in religion." Anti-religion, in my opinion is another extreme. It is happening more and more in my generation that people are falling into sin so they can "relate". Of course they can relate. They are being like the world! Anti-religion is becoming deception. It is an excuse Christians use to justify their actions.

I once believed this way. I thought that my testimony wouldn't mean anything to people because I hadn't gone through sin and hell, and been miraculously transformed. I grew up in the church. I was the girl that never wanted to get in trouble. I believed that I had to get into crap to relate to the world. A friend of mine pointed out to me that it is a huge testimony to live as Christ has called me to live. To live consistently with God's law on my heart, and to do right by avoiding sin shows people that "it can be done!" A life lived for Jesus is possible.

Here is what I think: The Bible does talk about not being religious. It is my understanding though that in the context of not being religious is the underlying message that God looks at the heart, not the works we do. Works don't make God love us. Works aren't what God is looking for.

In the story of Cain and Abel it wasn't necessarily the offering that was given that pleased God. It was the heart of worship and reverence behind the offering that made God happy. It was the fact that Abel gave God the best of his flocks because he loved him, not because he was trying to be the better brother.

Being anti-religious is also not what God is looking for. Hating religious practices, and people for doing them is not the answer. My pastor at church said this last Sunday: "We are not God's appointed Sin Police." I would add that we are not the "Religion Police." God didn't put us on this earth to condemn others. He alone is the only one to judge. He WILL judge the hearts of hypocritical, arrogant Christians just as he will judge the unsaved.

I read a familiar few verses tonight. Matthew 22:36-39 says this:

36"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" 37Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'[b] 38This is the first and greatest commandment. 39And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'[c]

This, I believe is how we are supposed to live. Not as religious or anti-religious, but loving God and each other. If our hearts are right with God our actions will be in accordance with His Word. There is a balance between legalism and worldly. God has given us the grace to mess up, but also the Word to live by. Should we take every scripture verse literally? No. We should, however, seek to understand God's heart and intentions for us in the scriptures.

It does not surprise me that the world is confused by Christians.

Won't Back Down

2007-06-03T23:14:00.000-07:00

"Won't Back Down" – Mat Kearny

You woke the morning up
Running off my darkest night
The longest fight I've seen

Here goes a chance I know
Cashing in on all my chips
Let all my ships come fly

These days, a little bit longer than the last
And all of your ways, a little bit stronger than the past
And your light, found my bottle in the night
Gave me second life, kept me in this fight

And I won't back down
I won't turn around and around
And I won't back down
Doesn't matter what comes crashing down
I'm still gonna stand my solid ground

You found me once and for all
I laid it down in the sinking ground
The hopeless undertow

Singing out the gentle sound
Rattling through my smoking screens
My broken dreams last night

These days, a little bit longer than the last
And all of your ways, a little bit stronger than the past
And all of your light, found my bottle in the night
Kept me in this fight, gave me second life

And I won't back down
I won't turn around and around
And I won't back down
Doesn't matter what comes crashing down
I'm still gonna stand my solid ground

And I sing Hallelujah ripped through my veins
I heard the hammer drop
My blood in the rain
Hallelujah came like a train
When all is lost
All is left to gain

Hallelujah

This is the song I am singing in life right now. This is me NOT backing down. I am done with the past and all it entails. I am excited to get on with this crazy life.

Arrogance...

2007-05-03T17:31:00.000-07:00

My Anti-Arrogance Face

ar·ro·gant [ árrəgənt ]

adjective

Definition:

proudly contemptuous: feeling or showing self-importance and contempt or disregard for others

We need less arrogance in the world. That is all.

Heroes

2007-04-30T11:46:00.000-07:00

The idea of Heroes has been on my mind the past few days. I went to campus worship last night and we sang "Came to my Rescue" by United. Also, I, in my love for John and Staci Eldredge's books I have recently considered rereading "Captivating", in which women needing a hero is discussed. Finally, I was talking to a friend last night and she randomly read me a quote about heroes from "Flags of Our Fathers", by James Bradley. The book is about the battle at Iwo-Jima during WWII, and the six men that courageously raised the American flag. Here is the quote/passage from the book:

"Today the word "hero" has been diminished, confused with "celebrity." But in my father's generation the word meant something.

Celebrities seek fame. They take actions to get attention. Most often, the actions they take have no particular moral content. Heroes are heroes because they have risked something to help others. Their actions involve courage. Often, those heroes have been indifferent to the public's attention. But at least, the hero could understand the focus of the emotion. However he valued or devalued his own achievement, it did stand as an accomplishment (Bradley, p.396)."

In addition to the previously stated evidence that the topic of "heroes" has been on my brain, upon studying for a New Testament final I became engrossed in reading Hebrews through Revelation entirely last night. Nine glorious NT books. Hebrews kicking it off with a New Covenant and pioneers of faith, and Revelation ending with a bang! Lets just say i'm a little inspired right now (understatement). This concept of heroes is fueling me. Why? Glad you asked. I'll start with Hebrews.

Abel, Enoch, Noah, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Moses, Rahab, Gideon, David, Samuel, the prophets and Jesus (the greatest of all) were all heroes. Every single one of them accomplished great things because they trusted in the promises of God. Here is the kicker though: Every one of them died before seeing a result, or the promise fulfilled (Hebrews 11:13).

Revelation. Satan is goin' down! This book is intense. It is ridiculous that in my 16 years of being a "Christian" I have never read through Revelation completely. I have only read bits and pieces because I have heard the ending so many times. Pathetic, I know. I never knew just how much of the detail I hadn't heard before. Anyway, Revelation is all about God rescuing his people through the second coming of Christ, and fighting evil until he, somewhat effortlessly, but extravagantly casts Satan and his angels in to the pit of hell forever. Why? to restore His kingdom with a New Heaven and New Earth. I’m so excited to see God throw down with Satan! God is our hero!

Rescuing is something we all need. From the time of our birth to the day we die we need a Savior. The point is this: Hallelujah! The saved have been rescued from hell by a hero, named Jesus. Jesus is not a celebrity. He, along with others in the Bible suffered for the rescuing of humanity. Again, Hallelujah!

This one gets me...

2007-04-27T21:36:00.000-07:00

"Worlds Apart" - Jars of Clay

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

[Additional lyrics:]

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

Flying Colors!

2007-04-27T13:35:00.000-07:00

So, pretty much I'm AMAZING! Haha! As a nursing student I am required to take ATI placement tests to progress in the nursing program. Praise God for the 91.7% I made on my first ATI test! Look out junior year! Here I come!!!

Ugly

2007-04-26T20:03:00.000-07:00

So, I just read over a blog post that I wrote back in March. I believe it was titled, "A Familiar Psalm." Anyway, when reading it over I laughed, and then almost cried. Why? Because I said this:

"I encourage you to ask God to investigate your life. When you do make sure you're prepared for the ugly. Be ready for him to do as you ask. See what is in there that he needs to break."

Upon writing that blog I prayed that God would investigate my life and show me the things that needed to change. I was apparently NOT ready for the ugly. Everything, seriously everything since that day seems to have surfaced. The ugly has been, and continues to come out in me. I can't tell all, but I will explain some of the things I have been going through.

Choices. I have made so many bad ones lately. When given the opportunity to lay down my flesh - to really seek what God would have me do, I have failed! MISERABLY! I have done things that do not reflect my true character. I have given over to my flesh with the mindset, "It doesn't matter because I've never done it before. So what if I act like the world for just a little while. So what if I give in to sin." Wow! Who the crap am I anymore?

Using people. For attention. For emotional backing. Even subconsciously (yes, it is possible). Wow! Again, who am I?

Selfish. This kind of goes along with using people. It is so easy to get caught up in what I want. I have to look out for myself right? If I don't, who will? Still, I can look out for myself-guard my heart without stepping on others in the process.

Ugly. I am reminded lately just how human I am. No matter how much good I do, I am human, and I sin...ALL THE TIME! I am NOT okay with inside ugliness. I am not okay with the way I have been living.

On the flip side:

Grace. Thank God for his unfailing, never-ending, overwhelming grace. I praise Him because he forgives me. I know that he loves me despite everything.

Discipline. I am being disciplined by God. Maybe not in the physical, but definitely in my spirit. I am daily convicted. With this discipline comes redemption. Thank God for redemption!

I am tired of being ugly.

fort-tastic

2007-04-04T11:54:00.000-07:00

Outside View

Inside View

I love fort building!

Crazy girls!

Thats right! I STILL build forts.

Surviving vs. Thriving

2007-03-25T00:07:00.000-07:00

I hate it when the gas light in my car comes on. It is so frustrating. It means that I have to reach into my tiny, college-student bank account and pull out a whopping $2 dollars and change per gallon to fill up. You know what though? When I am short on cash I let my car run on "E" for a while. I have discovered that I have about 30 miles before I need to be concerned. To this day I have never broken down. This is a dangerous way to go about things. I find that this habit of "running on empty" has poured over into other areas of my life.

There is a HUGE difference between living life and living life well. It is the difference between Surviving and Thriving.

Survive: to remain alive or in existence or able to live or function, especially succeed in staying alive when faced with a life-threatening, to come through a life-threatening experience or a period of difficulty and remain alive, in existence, or in a previous position or life (encarta.com).

I have decided that this word bothers me. Why? It bothers me because it is "just enough". To simply "remain alive" or "exisit" is pathetic. I regret to inform you that this is where I am at right now. I am surviving. I am exhausted. I am worn out. I am spiritually at the point where I am in the Word only enough to keep me going. I lack encouragement. I feel guilty because I desire to encourage others, but cannot give what I do not have! I lack confidence. I am on "E".

Thrive: grow well: to grow vigorously and healthily, do well: to be successful and often profitable

Thriving is my goal. To thrive is to go above and beyond "just enough". Thriving is excellence. It is being filled and able to fill others. It is SO hard to do. Why? Because thriving takes a lot of work, a lot of time, and a whole lot of God-seeking (which requires total surrender). I want to be more than ordinary. I desire to be different, set apart, held in high esteem. When I die I want people to remember me.

I had a volleyball coach in high school that drilled into my head this idea: "Good enough is the enemy of excellence." In the context of this blog, "Surviving is the enemy of Thriving". Running on empty just won't suffice. I need a full tank!

So, how do I obtain all I need to thrive? Honestly, I have only one answer at this time. All I know to do is to cry out to God with all my heart and ask him to send encouragement. I need to be filled. I need him to put in me the gasoline (whether encouragement from people or fulfilled promises) to drive his plans home.

God,
I am so tired of living empty. Fill me. Only you know what I need. You have my heart. Have your way in me. -Am

a familiar psalm...

2007-03-14T22:53:00.000-07:00

Investigate my life, O God, find out everything about me; Cross-examine and test me, get a clear picture of what I'm about; See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong— then guide me on the road to eternal life (Psalm 139:23-24, The Message).

"Investigate my life." This is a bold request. I think a lot of Christians pray this, but how many actually mean it? This investigation could yield results that quite frankly do not line up with what we think we should be doing in life. It is like saying, "God, break me, but don't make it painful." It just doesn't work that way.

Psalm 139 encourages me so much because it reminds me that God knew everything about me before I was born. Every physical feature, emotion, weakness, career, family...the list just goes on and on. Also, it reminds me that God is bigger than my mind can comprehend. He investigates me. He has my case file on his desk. He knows my outcome. It is amazing to me that my life is not free-floating around where "just anyone" could dictate it. God knows. He created me.

I encourage you to ask God to investigate your life. When you do make sure you're prepared for the ugly. Be ready for him to do as you ask. See what is in there that he needs to break. I'm going through it.

I have had so much on my mind lately. God is teaching me a lot about myself. I'll have more soon. Leave comments if you'd like. I love feedback.

Twitterpated.

2007-02-21T22:41:00.000-08:00

Spring is drawing near and I admit that I am twitterpated! I am loving this moment in time.

Thanks Bambi for the perfect adjective for today!

Serving.

2007-02-18T00:39:00.000-08:00

There is a Zig Ziglar quote that has been on my mind lately. It goes a little something like this...

“You can have everything in life you want, if you will just help other people get what they want”

Wow. Serving is such a huge deal! I was listening to John Maxwell speak yeaterday and he talked a lot about different encouragers in the Bible, and what they would say if they could run one lap of life with you. He talked about Rebecca, and how she not only provided water for one of Abraham's servants, but also for his ten camels. That is a lot of water! Anyway, the point was that serving others "generously" should be our goal. I like how this quote matches up with what John Maxwell was saying.

So many times in life I think about me first. I am learning more and more that this world has nothing to do with me. I am only here to worship my Creator, share his name, and serve others. Service is the very essence of Jesus. He never did anything for himself. He always looked out for people. I desire to be this way. I desire to go out of my way, uncomfortable as it may be, for others. If I help others get what they want out of life (keeping in mind that it lines up ethically) I will be blessed in return.

Just something to think about. Go out of your way for someone today. Open a door. Smile at them. Encourage them. That's all.

my humps

2007-02-09T22:31:00.000-08:00

10 random things...

2007-02-09T11:32:00.000-08:00

It is Friday afternoon. I am done with school today and it is pretty amazing I survived this week! Ahhh!!! Crazy Nursing School times (which I am totally in LOVE with!!!). Anyway, here are some random things on my mind...

1. I'm probably a little behind the rest of the world, but I have discovered a new delight in the musical soundings of John Legend. So much so that I got the two cd's he has put out. This man is awesome! "Ordinary People" and "Stay with You" are my two favs so far. Go have a listen.

2. I am ADDICTED to high heels! I am short...they help. Ha ha! That is not the only reason why. I like to dress well. I always feel a bit prettier with my pointy-toe, sleek, up-to-the-knee, black boots, or my pink sued pumps on! I probably wear heels 5 days out of the week. Praise God for sexy little heels!

3. I am wearing a green sweater right now and my eyes match. LOVE IT!

4. I am a dork. I have discovered that I laugh at my own jokes more than other people do. Oh, well.

5. I don't think Tyra Banks is fat...as a recent magazine has accused her of gaining 40lbs. Go Tyra! You look AMAZING!

6. Studying at Nordaggio's Coffee with a chai in hand makes me love the college life even more!!!

7. Grey's Anatomy IS a good show! This season has been an emotional one. Thanks ABC.

8. Conversation hearts are the highlight of Valentines Day...when you don't have a Valentine. I love those sugary little delights. I think "Fax Me" is my fav. Ha.

9. I love the song "Photographs and Memories" by Jason Reeves. It is bittersweet for me. It reminds me of loving and missing and goodbyes.

10. Leave a comment for me. I like it. You'll be the highlight of my day if you do so. ; )

...thats all for now.

A Love that Lasts.

2007-02-03T23:21:00.000-08:00

I long for love that lasts. Such love has many faces. Some of which I have seen in my own life lately. I would like to give you a glimpse of what I am talking about.

I love elderly people. There is so much about them that fascinates me. For example, their life stories surpass any story I could tell at this point in my life. They have seen the world go through drastic changes. They have experienced the trends, styles, technology, and music evolve. However, the thing that stands out most, in my mind, is their love. Now, I know this is a very general statement, and I am aware of the assumptions I am making, but it seems to me that people of very old age have seen a different side of "true love" than anyone in my generation has. Believe it or not, sex is not the priority of most elderly couples right now. Companionship is. Being alive is. It is often the case among the elderly that when one person dies the other partner doesn't live much longer. They simply CANNOT live without one another.

Another face of love: missions. There are so many hurting people in this world. Feeding them is love. Praying for them is love. Getting outside the "America is the greatest" box is a form of love for those who are not able to live the "American dream". The Bible says in Matthew 15:13, "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay his life down for his friends." Jesus died for ALL sin, for ALL people. True love is scarce in this world.

God is love. I think this is the big one for me right now. There is nothing that can separate us from the love of Christ. There is no greater sacrifice of love than God sending Jesus to save us from eternity in hell. Loving God is, in my mind the MOST important, and most meaningful love.

I feel like my generation has made the word "love" just another word. It is said too much in a romantic context, and not enough to the people at the end of their rope. We say, "I love movies. I love chocolate. I love things that are blue. I love you - so have sex with me." We have degraded the word to movies, food, preferences, and sex. What is REAL LOVE? What does it look like? Smell like? Does it FEEL or DECIDE or both? Do we mean it? So many questions.

The point is this: As Seven Day Jesus sang, "Everybody needs love." We need REAL love. Make your love mean something.

Insignificant.

2007-01-31T21:56:00.000-08:00

Routine. Mundane. Insignificant. This is how I feel right now. I feel as though all originality has escaped me. Like I do the same thing every day. I am confined to a schedule with no room to be carefree.

It is past my delightful Christian college curfew, and I am going crazy inside. I need to go roll around in the snow or something. Do a craft project. Build something so I feel useful. Is it just me or do other people feel like this too?

What is it that makes life feel like it is in a box? Is my life really in a box? Is there room for significance and change? I suppose so, but right now the next two and a half years of my life are planned. There is no light at the end because the end is miles away. Why do I feel like stability is what I need, and at the same time wish I could drop everything and discover the world - a life without walls - a life free to change with the wind? There seems to be a protocol for success. Go to college. Make something of yourself. Make money. Then, Shabam! You are a success.

Despite my cynicism I really do enjoy college. I just get sick of the routine sometimes. I am tired of feeling insignificant. I hate waiting for big things to happen. I know God is still working on me, and I just need to hang on.

That is all for now.

lead me as i go.

2007-01-27T23:27:00.000-08:00

overflow - chris tomlin

here i bring my stains and crown
gentle river wash me now
Your love is deeper than i know
Your waves higher than i can go
lead me in Your holiness
i will follow, i confess
glory is the song i sing
Your life is living me

where would i be, without You, without You
where would i be without You

i will bow before the cross
cherish my redeemer's cost
there is nothing i can do
than only stand amazed by You
immersing You with everyday
wrapped up in Your arms of grace
nothing more, You're all i need
Your life is living me

like a waterfall, You fill my heart and overflow
like a candle flame, You light my way and lead me as i go

where would i be, without You, without You
spirit overflow, let me overflow

It is so hard to let God lead. I was talking to a very close friend about God's will for my life. I am in God's will right now. I am following my call and purpose. I am certain of it. But something struck me while listening to this song (above). The words "lead me as i go" pierced my heart. "Lead me AS I GO"! Not "Tell me everything in the plan so I can take my life into my own hands, avoid all trouble, and cut out the parts that are less desirable."

During worship yesterday I was completly overcome by the Holy Sprit and by God's love. I fell to my knees and cried. Since the beginning of this semester (about 3 weeks ago) I have been so busy with schoolwork. I am actually studying this semester...and doing really well in my classes. But, you know what? These weeks have been a blur. I feel like I have done pretty much the same thing every night - study. My life right now is very routine. There is so much good in it though. I am learning a lot about relying on God for strength and supernatual encouragement. He has blessed me more than I could have imagined. The concept of letting God lead me as I am running this race of life is profound. He only gives me one step at a time. As I am in his will, and as I trust him he is revealing more and more to me about myself. He is showing me that my relationships are important. My education is important. My family is so supportive. Again, I AM BLESSED!

I have been reading through some passages in Isaiah the past few days. Here are a few verses.

At that time, this song will be sung in the country of Judah: We have a strong city, Salvation City, built and fortified with salvation.Throw wide the gates so good and true people can enter. People with their minds set on you, you keep completely whole, Steady on their feet,because they keep at it and don't quit. Depend on God and keep at it because in the Lord God you have a sure thing. Those who lived high and mighty he knocked off their high horse. He used the city built on the hill as fill for the marshes. All the exploited and outcast peoples build their lives on the reclaimed land. The path of right-living people is level. The Leveler evens the road for the right-living. We're in no hurry, God. We're content to linger in the path sign-posted with your decisions.Who you are and what you've done are all we'll ever want. Through the night my soul longs for you. Deep from within me my spirit reaches out to you. (Isaiah 26:1-9, Message)

I am keeping at it. My feet are firm. My heart is content in letting God lead me as I go.

love, kisses, and smiles

2007-01-19T23:01:00.000-08:00

Love...I desire it. Kisses, hmmm...I like. Smiles...I am a sucker for. A combination of the three...Perfect. I have none of these at the moment, but I'm okay with that. Thinking about them makes me happy. That's all for now.

heart, smooch, smile,
am

Undignified

2007-01-17T07:08:00.001-08:00

This is awesome!

seeing it this way

2007-01-12T07:12:00.000-08:00

I learned a lesson this morning. I saw a crappy situation in a different light. Here is how is all went down.

I am a nursing student. Today is the third day of school. My schedule is very different this semester. In general, I am still pretty new to campus. Anyway, today I was late for my 7:50am Microbiology class. The professor is a tough one. He hates lateness and frowns upon it. He told this to the class on the first day. He also told us that we can't take our daily, 10-point quiz if we are late. Now, in my mind, this is no big deal. I am very rarely late to anything. I am an on-time person 99.9% of the time. Not this morning.

My alarm went off. I got up. I got ready. I left 15 minutes early. I was on-time!!! However, I lost my brain on the way to class, and forgot what room the class was in. I would have known if I hadn't have left my schedule in my dorm. So, I went to the wrong floor. Honest mistake.

I got to class 5 minutes late, got a look of disgust from my professor, and was refused my very first quiz! What a way to start a semester. Crap!

There is a two-fold, deeper point to this blog. The first is that sometimes no matter how hard we try to be on top of things, sometimes circumstances just don't allow it. We may have good intentions, but crap happens! I am a good student because I work hard. I leave early to be on time. Today, a mistake got in the way.

My second point deals with how we should handle situations where circumstances decide our fate. What do we do when something unexpected, or unintentional happens? Do we get mad and curse about it? Do we take it out on others? Do we let it ruin our day? No. We should try to approach it from a different angle.

In my case, I was irritated for a few minutes, but chose to see it this way. "Today was an accident. It was not my professor's fault. It was unintentionally my fault. So, I will just be more careful next time."

The older I get the more I realize that this world is not about me. It doesn't matter how much I try to be in control. I am not. I have said it before. I hate it when plans fall through. I hate it when things don't go the way I want or plan them to. When something happens that we don't expect, or want to avoid, it hurts us. We suffer. We lose. We get irritated. It is hard to overcome it and move on.

I encourage you to look at hard things in a different light. I'm not just suggesting you make everything crappy in your life look "nice" or to hide it in any way. I am just asking you to avoid letting crap ruin your day. This life is not about happiness. Happiness doesn't last. Looking at things from the perspective that God is in control, and He really does have your best interest in mind will help you have joy. Joy is a gift, and only comes from God himself. Think about it.

I shall go out with joy and be led forth with peace. The mountains and the hills shall break forth before me into singing, and the trees of the field shall clap their hands. (Isaiah 55:12, NIV)

don't love your broken pieces...

2007-01-08T23:25:00.000-08:00

Don't love your broken pieces.
Don't hang on to every one.
For love may be what's broken,
But old pieces must be gone.

If you give in you will give up.
If you reverse, turn back, or run.
You'll wind up like your pieces, broken
Your love, whole, nevermore.

Don't love that shattered memory.
Don't waste away like time.
For memories wither too, you see,
Let good ones change your mind.

If you look ahead you'll move ahead.
Not left or right, but up
You'll wind up something you always dreamed of
In love, whole, forevermore.

I don't know if you are like me, but I love my broken pieces way too much! When something hurts me, or my day goes wrong, I pull out my broken pieces and chew on them for a while. I remember all the things that make me unhappy. I talk about them with others as if they are still part of my life. Oh, those pieces will getcha! They sting. They numb. They make every part of you ache. But, you know what? We cannot love our pieces. We cannot sit in limbo forever and expect a good result.

I cannot tell you enough how much I take one step forward and two steps back. My pieces make me do that. Just a few thoughts on this late night.

redirection

2007-01-02T22:25:00.000-08:00

Tonight I talked to my dad for quite a while. My dad and I are really close. All my life I have acted and reacted just like him. We are both incredibly analytical, focused, intolerant of immaturity, worriers, and stressed out about 90% of the time. We laughed about it because my mom and brother are so carefree, and we aren't. Anyway, my dad said something to me tonight. He said, "Amber, you are way too hard on yourself. You are analytical, and it isn't necessarily a bad thing. You just need to redirect it." Typically, I was quick to "analyze" this. My thoughts being, "How do I do this?" and "What do I need to change about myself?"

Zig Ziglar said this, "You are what you are and you are where you are because of what has gone into your mind. You change what you are and you change where you are by changing what goes into your mind."

My mind is a busy place. I have a love/hate relationship with it. When I dwell on past events that have shaped where I am now instead of focusing on the "now" I see defeat instead of success. I see failed relationships, friendships, and plans that have fallen through instead of a girl-turned-woman, a nursing degree within reach, and a lifetime of God's glory just waiting to be unveiled. I am not saying that it isn't okay to mourn what has been lost, or that getting emotional is wrong. Emotions are reminders that we are "real". God created us with them. However, I agree with Zig Ziglar's statement. We have to make up our minds every day that we are going to endure. If there is will and motivation to press on, then pressing on and succeeding are most likely to result. The days I feel the worst are the days I sit around dwelling on broken pieces of my heart. I do not believe my heart is whole right now, but I do have the will and the motivation to move forward in life. I also have a God that is in the process of healing me. I refuse to stay in a state of mourning.

So, this is my attempt to redirect my analytical mind.

Wake Me...I'm Dead.

2006-12-29T20:18:00.000-08:00

"Look at me-I'm Shattered." - The Rolling Stones

There are so many words, and not enough all at the same time to describe the condition of my heart right now. It is amazing the depth of the human heart. Even more amazing - the heart of God for the human heart. I am struggling so much right now to understand the love God says he has for me. This seems like basic "Christian" knowledge. You know, "For God so loved the world that he gave his only son...John 3:16). However, being a Christian has become more of an idea than a relationship to so many people. How can the idea of God produce the love of the Father, God? It can't. Anyway, this has been a problem for me lately. To simply know (because I am told by people and the Bible) that God loves me and wants to restore my heart to wholeness is not enough. I must experience it. This is another problem. I have access to God through the Holy Spirit, and I ask for wholeness and healing. It just hasn't happened yet...for a long time. I am at the point of cynicism. This is not good! I pray, talk to God for a while, and ask him to make himself known - to give me something that will heal the deep wounds of my heart. After doing so my immediate thought is usually, "Yeah right. Don't hold your breath." I hate this.

I am reading an amazing book right now called Waking the Dead - The Gory of a Heart Fully Alive, by John Eldredge. This is a big deal. First of all, I am not a big read-for-fun kinda girl. I like to write, but reading bores me most of the time. Not this time. I have had the book for three days and I'm almost done. Anyway, the focus of the book is the restoration of a broken, divided heart. I have cried several times while reading it because so much of it reflects me right now. Eldredge talks about the spiritual war going on for the heart. Satan wants to steal, kill, and destroy my glory. God wants to defeat him and unveil my glory. God wants to show me that my heart is good. He did not make it evil or worthless. He did not create me to shrink back to nothingness. That is not who God is.

The cuts in my heart are deep. So deep that repair and wholeness seem impossible. I have been an explosion-waiting-to-happen lately. The smallest things set me off. Instead of rejoicing in other's triumphs, I cry out of jealousy and inadequacy. "You will never be anything to anyone" is what runs through my head. Lies! Lies from Satan! I know. But I have lost control of my heart and my emotions. I can't stop the tears when they start. I can't keep from anger and depression. This is where God is. WHAT? That's right. God is here at the point of me losing control. He has control. I believe that he can, and will restore this painful brokenness in my heart. He is surfacing things right now because I have to look them in the face, take his hand, and walk through them. He is refusing to let me run away this time. I always run. I hide behind a smile so often because I want to control my pain. I think that if I stuff it down deep enough I will forget it is there. It is time to get to the root of all this.

God, what is it you need to heal? Find it in me and dissolve it. I give you permission to pull out every hurt. Bind the pieces of my heart together. Give life to this dead body. I need you to heal me. I need restoration. I need hope. Forgive me for handling this brokenness with false comforters. Nothing and no one can fix my heart. Only you can. Let me hear your words of comfort. Surround me with your presence, and let me know you're working in me. Unveil my beauty, and the glory you have for me.

John Eldredge quotes Saint Irenaeus, "The glory of God is man fully alive." Without a heart fully alive -whole, the glory of God in us cannot be revealed.

Let the healing begin.

All in a day's work...

2006-12-23T22:50:00.000-08:00

I work in a kid's store. I love every minute of it too. As a woman I can just see myself having little ones running around some day.

Today my main job was greeting in the front of the store. This is usually the job I least enjoy because the time passes slower than if I were working registers. However, today was an exception to my boredom. These are a few things I observed.

Parents are frazzled!!! I cannot even count the number of parents that came in today frustrated by the holiday rush (Christmas is two days away!) and stir-crazy from the Christmas Blizzard of 2006! Many of them only came in the store to let their kids play for ten minutes while they sat down to take a breather. When I started thinking about this I realized just how important it is to take a break from life. Even if this means loitering in a store when you have no intention of buying anything! In the intense pace of life we all need, and deserve, a break.

Kids are imitators. We have this three piece kitchen set (really fancy...really expensive). This toy is nicer than any toy I had growing up. It was a favorite among many of the young ones today. Why? I'll tell you. Kids like to imitate their parents. Boys and girls alike were drawn to this concept (a kitchen with play food and dishes) because they got to show off their domestic skills to mom and dad. Upon seeing this I realized how God watches us imitate things. Whether it be Him or the world. He created us to learn. He created our parents and the people around us to teach us how to act, play, and survive.

Toward the middle of my shift a lady came in with her daughter. The little girl was probably four or five years old. She too was fascinated by the kitchen set. She played joyfully while her mom watched. After about five minutes her mom said, "Don't move! I need to go look at something and I'll be right back. DON'T MOVE!" My initial thought was, "Okay, so her mom sees me standing here as she tells her not to leave the store or wander around. Do I look like her babysitter? Does she think her daughter, being five, is actually going to listen to her?" The mom walked away to shop, and the daughter obeyed. She continued to play with the kitchen set. This was unusual to me. I mean, I get it - the toy is pretty amazing. However, most kids would have jumped at the chance to freak mommy out by running out of the story with some unpaid merchandise. Also, this is a trust issue. The mom trusted the daughter would listen, and the daughter trusted her mom would return shortly. This was the big one for me today. I have been so stuck lately in this rut where I find little happiness in anything I do. I'm not just trying to be negative here. I'm just telling the truth. In the scheme of things I have been a kid running out of the store on a whim, only to be engulfed by a crowded mall full of people (the world) without a plan. I have stepped out of the trust I had for God and his intentions for my life. My heart has been rebellious. Instead of waiting patiently for Him to return and follow through I think, "He has walked away, and it is unlikely he cares enough to come back." so I run. This spoke to me loud and clear. "When God says, "DON'T MOVE!" I better not move." First of all, I need to trust Him again (a lot of effort on my part). Second, I need to be more disciplined and "on-purpose" about the things I do (instead of just going with the flow). Third, I need to not move. I am where I am for a reason (vaguely known by me) and I wouldn't be here if it wasn't God's will for my life. In the words of an amazing friend of mine, "It will either turn out good, or it will turn out good!" Blessings come when you're doing what God wills you to do. The more I try to do things for myself, the more I take away from what God has for my life.

I am learning this lesson the hard way. I am at the bottom of a mountain looking up. There isn't an easy button. I have to go through the rough terrain to find out what is at the top, and on the other side.

These are just a few things. I hope they touched you in some way. Don't Move! Let God move you!

My Soul on a Platter

2006-12-21T19:43:00.000-08:00

It has been a while since I wrote something so deep within me. It has been so long since I have poured my soul into anything. I feel as though I am living two lives and working my butt off only to find disappointment waiting for me at the end of the day. So, here it is. All of me - as of right now.

My life is complicated. It always has been. In every area I have had to work so hard to succeed. I hate halfway doing things. I like order. I like having a plan. My room is full of clean lines and symmetry. I clean when I get angry. I cry a lot. I hate it when plans fall through. I like people to encourage me. I need it. I absolutely cannot be shallow (believe me I have tried). My self confidence wavers often. I start new journals (and blogs) when I don't like what I have written. I would rather pretend something didn't happen rather than deal with it. I start over often...if you haven't noticed. I am not carefree. I have always been a worrier. I care about people. I have very few close friends that I would tell anything and everything to. I hate leftovers (never as good as the first time). I suck at managing time and money. I dream of getting married someday. I want kids. I love God. I love to worship. I procrastinate most things. I sleep to little. I am unsure of myself. I say dumb things when I am nervous. I could go on for hours.

I am stretched to my limit right now. I am almost to a breaking point. I am reading a book right now about thinking right thoughts and being positive, but frankly, I don't feel like suppressing my emotions right now. I feel like crap currently and I am writing about it. There are so many things I cannot understand. The more I go toward one goal - the more I walk away from a dream. Why can't my goals and dreams work together? Why does it seem like no one else deals with as much frustration as I do?

I want so many things. They seem unreachable. I want to be in love again. It seems impossible. I want to look in the mirror and see what God sees. I want to know my worth. I want others to value me. I want to speak my mind to someone, but I am afraid to get my heart broken. I want to go back in time and change a few things. I want something that seems impossible. I want God to come through with his promises for me. I want to be comfortable in my skin - confident. I want to be beautiful. I want my sadness to dry up and be replaced with overwhelming joy and satisfaction. I want to be stronger.

I feel empty. I am running in circles. God, rescue me and show me you haven't walked away from me.

How Long?

2006-12-19T22:01:00.000-08:00

Psalm 13

1 How long, O LORD ?

Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

and every day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?

3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"

and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

5 But I trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

6 I will sing to the LORD,

for he has been good to me.

Memory Lane

2006-12-16T22:52:00.000-08:00

I'm taking a walk! That's all. I'll get back to you.

Friends.

2006-12-14T21:52:00.000-08:00

I am so blessed to have such amazing friends. I often take for granted just how much my friends influence and shape my life. I don't know what I would do without them.

Tonight I went out with three of my college friends. We ate dinner and exchanged Christmas presents. Then, we went to see Rhema Lights at Rhema Bible Church. I had so much fun just being with my girls.

To all my friends(those at ORU and back home):

I love you and am so blessed to know you. You will never know the depth of my care for you. You will never know all the ways in which you have enriched my life. Thank you for investing your life in me. I am thankful for you. I hope I am half the friend you are to me!

I love you,
Amber

Not Who I Want to Be

2006-12-13T11:55:00.000-08:00

Many people live like they're Corporate America. By this I mean they step on people and do whatever it takes to come out on top. This is not who I want to be. The mentality of "I've done what is necessary for me, so I will just have to count my losses" is not a good one to have. There is a fine line between doing something for yourself to grow as a person, and doing something for yourself just to be the best at it. Sometimes I wonder if I have trampled people to get where I am at. I don't think I have, but it may just be a matter of interpretation. These thoughts we spurred on when I was listening to Coldplay's song "Trouble". Here's the song:

Trouble - Coldplay
Oh no I see
A spider web it's tangled up with me
And I lost my head
The thought of all the stupid things I said

Oh no what's this
A spider web and I'm caught in the middle
So I turned to run
The thought of all the stupid things I've done

And oh I never meant to cause you trouble
And oh and I never meant to do you wrong
And oh well if I ever caused you trouble
Oh no I never meant to do you harm

Oh no I see
A spider web and it's me in the middle
So I twist and turn
Here am I in my little bubble

Oh I never meant to cause you trouble
Oh I never meant to do you wrong
Oh well if I ever caused you trouble
Oh no I never meant to do you harm

They spun a web for me
They spun a web for me
They spun a web for me

For Loss of Love

2006-12-07T14:00:00.000-08:00

Losing love is one of the most painful things I know of. To see it is to fear it, and to know it is to never want to go through it again. Losing love makes one second guess everything. It causes a person to want to run away, to give up on everything. It hurts in every way. Crying is all a person can do.

This is a sad topic. Today I saw a friend of mine lose love. I want to cry for her. I know the hurt she is experiencing. She feels hopeless. I wrote this for her. She is a beautiful person inside and out. She is close to my heart. Although she has lost him, she hasn't lost us - her friends.

For Loss of Love

For Loss of Love
Love is no more
No longer his
No longer your's
Painful tears
Endlessly pour
For Loss of Love
Love is no more.

Take care of those you love. Cherish them. Love them with all you have...and never stop.

With Love,
Am

Awkward Turtle

2006-12-06T18:13:00.000-08:00

And it goes a little something like this...

"Eh...ha ha...oh....hmmm...heh...yeah...so........anyway..."

awk·ward [ áwkwərd ]
adjective

Definition:

1. embarrassing: embarrassing and requiring great tact or skill to

2. difficult or uncomfortable to use: difficult to use because requiring the body to be moved into an uncomfortable position

3. performed gracelessly: performed in a way that lacks grace and looks uncomfortable

4. without graceful coordination: lacking physical coordination and grace

5. shyly uncomfortable: shy, uncomfortable
(www.encarta.com)

Ladies and Gentlemen,

It is time we bust out our friend Mr. Awkward Turtle. Mr. Awkward Turtle comes out when a person suffers from "foot-in-mouth" syndrome, or just does something stupid. Foot-in-mouth syndrome is very common. It is especially common in my life. I admit I am not a very shallow person, and that is a good thing. However, being a person interested in "really" getting to know people makes small talk very awkward. I can think of numerous occasions where I have been awkward. I am learning to laugh at myself. I have been practicing a lot lately.

I wanted to talk about awkward moments because they are so funny to me. I asked a few girls on my hall to tell me what some of their awkward moments were. Here are a few for your enjoyment.

"So, I was walking to class one day and I saw one of my guy friends. He went to hug me, and must have been in a really friendly mood. He picked me up and spun me around. Our belts clashed together. I laughed it off and walked to class..."

"I was walking back from a babysitting job. It had snowed very heavily and I slipped on the ice. Instead of just gathering my things and getting up quietly, I yelled out, "I HATE ICE!" Right then, a few guys walked by me and gave me weird looks..."

"I had a crush on this guy. I went to watch him play football one day. He jumped up to catch the ball and scored. After the game we were walking together. I couldn't think of what to say because I was nervous. I looked at him and said, "You played awesome and you jump really high!"...he said, "really?" and then kept walking in silence for a minute..."YOU JUMP REALLY HIGH? WHO SAYS THAT?...awkward..."

"I always feel awkward when I am hanging out with couples. It is weird to be the single one. The worst is when a couple is fighting right in front of you..."

"I was meeting the parents of a girl on my hall. I had been eating salted peanuts. The dad went to shake my hand and I said, "Sorry. I got nut salt on my hand."...I was so embarrassed!"

"I was was hanging out at a pool hall where my friend's band was playing. I leaned over on the pool table in the back to watch the band. My friend came to stand beside me and he put his hand on my shoulder. He went to move his hand and "accidentally" touched my butt."...it was so awkward..."

Well, these are only a few. Please comment this blog with your most awkward moment! You don't have to sign your name to anything. I'll post Part 2 in a few days.

Love Love!
Am

Change

2006-12-04T23:01:00.000-08:00

Do you ever look back on your life and think, "How did I get here?" I am not talking about how I came to be a as a physical person - like being born. I am talking about waking up in a life I hadn't planned on. This is not a bad thing. It is just different.

I thought about this today. You see, I am currently attending Oral Roberts University. If you were to ask anyone I went to high school with if I would move away for college they probably would have laughed in your face. I was the girl in high school with a steady boyfriend. He was captain of the football team. I was captain of the cheerleading squad. We were high school sweethearts and dated beyond graduation. I had my life planned around marrying him. I seriously thought I would. I was happy with my plan. You know what though? God had a different plan for my life.

And, another thing...I have wanted to be a nurse my entire life. I was on a waiting list in Colorado for two years before I got accepted anywhere. I finally got accepted to a school in Denver, but chose to drop everything to go to ORU.

Now, I am sitting in my dorm room at a ridiculous hour writing about where I came from, and where I am now. I am amazed by God's movement in my life. No, it hasn't been an easy road. Yes, I am uncomfortable with all this change about 95% of the time. And, yes. I have joy. I am not happy all the time, but I have joy. I choose every day to keep walking this walk. I don't know where I am walking to, or who I will encounter in my life. My career path is the same, but where will I be used? There is a vast world out there that I have yet to impact.

So much has changed in me. I say it so much. I am not the same person I once was.

Content

2006-12-02T23:27:00.000-08:00

Today I am content. In fact, I have been all week. The funny thing...this is the first time in a long time I have stopped searching for life, and just let it happen on its own. It's like I am afraid to jinx it or something. I'm afraid to ruin it. Crazy. Nothing interesting has happened. I am just content.

careless signals and clarity...

2006-11-29T18:29:00.000-08:00

The past few weeks I have observed a very common problem. This problem can be very costly. This is a journal entry I wrote a few weeks ago. I have read over it a few times since then, and it seems more relevant now than ever. Note: I have struggled with this before, and I see it in my own friends, on TV. and even in people I don't know. I hope you can see that my heart is for this problem to change.

The Topic: Careless Signals and Clarity

Careless signals. I see this so much these days. It's so common, and so sad. The question: "Why can't we all just say what we mean?" I am so exhausted with seeing, hearing, and feeling hurt feelings over this issue. It is so hard for us to say something purposeful, and then follow through with it. There are many avenues I could travel with this. Honesty, in general, if full of bunny trails. I want to focus in on boy/girl relationships.

My Journal Entry: Careless Signals and Clarity, November 10, 2006

It seems to be the case with so many people lately that we say and do things we don't mean. If everyone says, "Honesty is the best policy", why aren't they up-front? It seems easy to just say what you want to say, and then act it out. There is a problem with this though. We are flawed. We are human, and we say and do things without thinking about them first. We speak, but we do not follow through. We act, but then we have to apologize. It is so hard to communicate effectively.

I see this most in guy/girl relationships. There is a lot of self-fulfillment (flesh-fulfillment) in being a flirt. However, many times flirting leaves one person thinking "relationship", and the other walks away without a second thought. In some cases flirting is meant to start a relationship. I am focusing on careless flirting. I think everyone is guilty of this at some point in life. We do it to fill our emptiness, to make us whole. We do it because we are afraid to be alone. Oh, how we are flawed!

The glory of this realization for me is that my flaws point out God's perfection. God cannot lie. He always follows through. God's perfection is something we should strive for. He is the best example of honesty and follow through. God is the only thing that can complete us.

I long for the day when guys and girls alike can be purposeful with words and actions. I desire to see "real men" and "real women". "Real men" are pursuers. They lead with purpose and integrity. They have character. They avoid instant gratification in order to honor the woman they go after. "Real women" know their value. They do not tease men. They are modest. They live with purpose, and value purity.

Another message in this tangled web is friendship. Value your friendships!!! Men, be careful not to lead us on. There is a fine line between "nice guy" and "interested". Women, be modest, and don't tease. Men and women, honor each other with honesty. Be intentional.

- Am

I am fully aware of the "preachiness" of this blog. This has been on my heart for a while. I hope you can relate.

a few things on my mind...

2006-11-24T21:31:00.000-08:00

I think I have felt a hundred different emotions today. It is a good thing I don't live by emotion because I would have run myself ragged. There are so many things on my mind, so I will try to organize them into something understandable. Just bear with me.

The first thing on my mind...

I am anxious. I know God has something in the works, but I have no clue about it. I'll draw this out for you. Picture it...

You are five years old and it is the day before Christmas. Assuming that your parents didn't brainwash you with a belief in Santa Claus, you are sitting in front of your Christmas tree shaking presents to try to guess what they are. You beg your parents to let you open one early, but the answer is no. But no doesn't mean no to you. You still sit and shake the presents. You ask yourself...why not now?

A few observations from the previous scenario...

1. You, as a child knew that your parents would provide a present for you. Come on! It's Christmas. They aren't going to forget to get you something. They aren't going to rub in your face the fact that everyone else has gotten a present. There is a present under the tree for you!

2. You are in the right place...in front of the tree.

3. The timing is wrong! It is the day BEFORE Christmas!

I feel like the five year old. The presents are taunting me - laughing, so to speak. Inch by inch I move closer to the tree. The second hand on the clock ticks ever so slowly. Everyone else is sleeping...resting...but not me. I am wide awake just waiting to see what I got! This is my life right now. I know God has something for me. I'm in the right place. I have totally changed my life to be in the right place. I feel like it is the right time, and in a sense it is. It is the right time for me to be away at school, and the right time for me to be figuring life out. Why isn't it the right time to know what I am supposed to do with my life? Is it going to happen tomorrow? The easy part about the Christmas scenario is that the five year old knows the exact day that the mysterious gift will be revealed. I don't!

Another thing on my mind...

So many emotions are stirred up when I am at home. I love my home, but I left for a reason. I left so I could move on. Being home stirs up some painful issues I have had to deal with in the past year. I feel like I am always running away from something.

And another...

I stay up way too late worrying about things.

I have so many more, but I am done for tonight.

truth or...

2006-11-05T22:11:00.000-08:00

...LIE!

Which will you choose? Will you believe in what you know God has said, or will you believe the lies of the enemy? This is a tough one my friends. This is the deal breaker. You know why? Because the truth will always kick you in the bootie. It is what it is...the TRUTH! A lie can only buy you time. You know what else? Satan is a LIAR! He makes things look appealing. Those things are meant to kill you. Satan wants to attack you with the things that look like the truth.

For some of you...this may be review. Right now, this blog is my review. I guess I am reminding myself that I KNOW WHAT THE TRUTH IS! I don't have to guess on this one. God has spoken it to me...and He has spoken the truth in your life.

So, if we know the truth already, why do we so often fall for the lie? Hmm...good question. The answer: Sometimes the truth is not what we want to hear!!! We all know that we are better off living in truth. We all know that lies will end in the death of something (our reputation, relationships, spiritual death). We THINK that the lies will turn into truth if we fight hard enough (at least I have). This is why Satan is so successful with lies.
Some TRUTH for you...

1. God is the one who calls the shots. It doesn't matter how big of a fit you throw. He is not going to give in to the lies of the Devil! It is impossible for Him to do so.

2. The truth is God's best for you. Even if you don't see it - God loves you and He wants to give you your heart's desires and more!

3. In the long run the truth will cause you less pain.

Just a few late night thoughts. I am tired of being bombarded with lies. Satan has been whispering lies to me all week. So, as Jason Upton says in His song "Faith", "I say NO to the discouragement that keeps me down. I say NO to the things that hold me back from you". NO! NO to the lies! I won't believe them. The truth is written on my heart.

Post your thoughts on the issue!

time for a test!

2006-10-18T22:28:00.000-07:00

It is time for a test! In my life I go through cycles. It all starts with a test. Next is a period of conquering. The third phase is peace. Then, the cycle starts over when another test arises. I might be confusing you, so let me further explain.

Like I said, it all starts with a test. Tests are a good gauge of where we're at in life. My pastor back home recently said, "You are in one of three places when it comes to trouble. You either you are in it, you just came out of it, or you are about to be in it." I see troubled times as tests.

Phase 1: The Test
In school and in work environments we are tested to gauge progress. The tests tell our teachers and bosses if we are ready to move on to the next task. Tests can come in all shapes and sizes. For me, it usually comes in the form of temptation. By this I mean that the tests, or in other words, the life lessons usually make me choose between taking matters into my own hands and letting God take control. Temptation is a struggle in my thought life more than anything. I tend to worry about things instead of trusting God with everything.

Phase 2: Coming Out of the Test
The second phase is conquering. Conquering is probably the hardest and most exciting part! You got an A+! You are ready to move on. Conquering takes so much time and effort. Conquering temptation is something that, at least in my life, can only come with the help of God. My Old Testament professor, Dr. Watson said this, "God doesn't call us to do anything we can do on our own." This is true for me. Without God I cannot conquer temptation. Without Him I cannot pass the tests of life.

Phase 3: Peace
Peace is my personal favorite! It is the sigh of relief after the test where I can close my eyes and really rest soundly. Peace is what I believe most people strive for. Peace usually doesn't last long though, so it should be cherished! Ah, peace. "Breathe in. Breathe out." I think peace is the reward given for persevering through the test. It is the few moments of peace that gear us up for the next fast approaching test. Enjoy it while it lasts!

I am currently in phase one! I thought to myself today, "Just when I thought I was in the clear another temptation/distraction arises. Just my luck!" The test phase for me is where I make a decision. After playing with the idea of straying away for just a little while I decide to let God have it. I cannot conquer temptation on my own. I choose to trust Him to take care of it. I believe that by doing this I will conquer and achieve peace a lot faster. There is a down-side. Deciding to let God take control doesn't mean the lesson will be easy. The lessons are meant to be challenging. With God, our faith and strength are made stronger so we can be prepared for the next test.

I love what Paul, Silas, and Timothy said to the church of the Thessalonians in 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17 [Amplified Bible] "Now may our Lord Jesus Christ Himself and God our Father, Who loved us and gave us everlasting consolation and encouragement and well-founded hope through [His] grace (unmerited favor), Comfort and encourage your hearts and strengthen them [make them steadfast and keep them unswerving] in every good work and word." I love this because it encourages us to stand firm in who God is, and to take hold of His favor in times of testing. Tests are necessary, and by the grace of God we can conquer them and achieve peace.

pure (i am not the same)

2006-10-12T23:47:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot about what I feed my mind. What are the things that consume my thoughts? What purpose do those things serve? Do they build people up or tear them down?

It is so hard to escape worldly things. We are constantly surrounded with profanity, pornography, expectations of attractiveness, and trash on T.V. and in music. It is hard to think pure thoughts and act appropraiately when we are saturated with all of it. God does not condemn us for watching T.V. or listening to secular music. The Bible does say in 1 Corinthians 10:23 that everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial. If worldly things are changing who you are, or are hindering who Christ has called you to be, then there is something seriously wrong.

Ephesians 4:17-5:2 encourages us to live as children of light, and to imitate Christ. It says to put off the old self, with all the dirt and grime of the world, and to put on the righteousness of Jesus. Jesus died on the cross for all sin. It is because of this sacrifice that we are able to be pure in God's sight. There is forgiveness in him. Hallelujah for redemption! However, it is our responsibility to daily examine our lives (2 Corinthians 13:5) to make sure we are glorifying God with what we do and say. We have to rid ourselves of things that hinder us.

I am writing this because I am dealing with it right now. Sometimes I check my email so many times a day, but spend very little time reading the Word or doing homework. I get consumed by my favorite show and watch the characters live in sin. My attitude is so judgemental sometimes because the world has trained me to be. But here is the good news!

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free" (Galatians 5:1). The world cannot have me! God has me! I am wraped in his arms and he loves me. I am pure in his eyes. I am washed clean from the dirt and grime.

I encourage you to examine your life. What are some things that hinder you? Just think about it.

Here is a little poem I wrote! Enjoy!

Pure (I am not the same)

What once was black
Now is white
The red that flowed
From the brightest eyes
Cleansed me pure
And won the fight
Between dark and light
Shades of gray
Now the purest white
I am not the same.

you are beautiful

2006-10-05T21:24:00.000-07:00

Beauty, in my mind, is the very essence of God displayed in creation. It is so impossible for me to look at the mountains, sunset, and human life without seeing God in it. I am captivated by the beauty of the Lord.

Mary (mother of Jesus) has been on my mind today. Luke 1:26-38 (Message Bible) tells of how Mary came to know she was pregnant with Jesus.

In the sixth month of Elizabeth's pregnancy, God sent the angel Gabriel to the Galilean village of Nazareth to a virgin engaged to be married to a man descended from David. His name was Joseph, and the virgin's name, Mary. Upon entering, Gabriel greeted her: Good morning! You're beautiful with God's beauty, Beautiful inside and out! God be with you. She was thoroughly shaken, wondering what was behind a greeting like that. But the angel assured her, "Mary, you have nothing to fear. God has a surprise for you: You will become pregnant and give birth to a son and call his name Jesus. He will be great, be called 'Son of the Highest.' The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David; He will rule Jacob's house forever— no end, ever, to his kingdom." Mary said to the angel, "But how? I've never slept with a man." The angel answered, The Holy Spirit will come upon you, the power of the Highest hover over you; Therefore, the child you bring to birth will be called Holy, Son of God. "And did you know that your cousin Elizabeth conceived a son, old as she is? Everyone called her barren, and here she is six months pregnant! Nothing, you see, is impossible with God." And Mary said, Yes, I see it all now: I'm the Lord's maid, ready to serve. Let it be with me just as you say. Then the angel left her.

I am amazed by verse 30 in which the angel of the Lord, Gabriel said to Mary, "Good morning! You're beautiful with God's beauty, Beautiful inside and out!" What a way to wake up in the morning. First you have an angel of God in your room. Then, the angel tells you of your amazing beauty before telling you that you'll be impregnated by the Holy Spirit with the Son of God! I imagine Mary was a little overwhelmed by all this. I would be. I want to focus on Mary's awakening because it is a good example of what God really thinks of us, and how he takes us through our struggles.

For Mary and in my opinion most women, feeling beautiful is a struggle. Now, guys please understand that this is not me saying that all women feel ugly all the time. I just want to emphasize the importance of women knowing they are beautiful because God says they are. I can't even count the number of times I have felt insignificant, felt like someone else is prettier than me, wondered if I could turn heads when I walk into a room, or thought that I am not going to be pursued. I also can't count the number of times I have heard other girls say the same things. I love how Mary treated this situation. Her first response was, "why me?" She couldn't understand why God would choose her. God chose Mary because she was "beautiful inside and out". She accepted this challenge of carrying Jesus because she believed that God would take care of her. He called her favored and blessed.

This is how we should react in our struggles (easier said than done). We may not get to choose our circumstances, but God knows our hearts and he will follow through with all he has promised. He has called us beautiful and has surrounded us with his beautiful creation. He is beauty. He will reveal his beauty in us so that we may glorify him.

You are beautiful!

My ALL

2006-10-04T22:53:00.000-07:00

My ALL

My hands
My feet
My voice
My song
My dreams
My attitude
My goals
My everything

ALL you are is ALL I need
ALL the dreams your mind conceived
ALL the things I can't control
My heart
My soul
MY ALL

I give my ALL
For the sake of your cALL
Not for myself
But ALL for you

ALL you are is enough for me
ALL sacrifice upon that tree
ALL the worries, fears, and pains
My heart
My soul
My ALL

My hands
My feet
My voice
My song
My dreams
My attitude
My goals
My everything

I give my ALL
For the sake of your cALL
Not for myself
But ALL for you

false start

2006-09-29T15:14:00.000-07:00

Do you ever get ahead of yourself? More imporatantly, do you ever get ahead of God? I've been praying and thinking a lot lately about my life plans. Where am I now and where am I supposed to go? I know where I am now. I know what I am currently doing. However, I'm a planner. I'm always looking for my next step.

Today the words "false start" came to mind. The dictionary version of false start is "a failed attempt to begin something, and a situation in which a competitor in a race breaks a regulation governing the starting procedeure and the race has to be restarted." False starts are a common mistake in athletics. They cause a race or play to be restarted and a penalty usually results.

I think false starts are common in other areas of our lives too. We jump the gun, suffer a penalty, and have to start over. So, why then do we do it? In life, like playing sports, we get too excited too quickly. The adrenaline flows and we just can't help taking that step too soon. I believe that it is a lack of self control that causes us to move too early. In sports, the game ends and the false start doesn't count anymore. In life, in our emotions, and in our spirit it is harder to start again. Sometimes a false start isn't followed by a second chance. It is a lot to take in, but it is so true.

So, what do we do about it? Honestly, I think the only thing we can really do is wait on God. God had our lives planned before we were even born. He knit us together in our mother's womb (Psalm 139:13). HE is the author of our book! When we take matters into our own hands it shows that we don't trust God to lead us in the way we should go. It shows that we don't think he'll see us through like he promised. God's timing is perfect! He is trustworthy and faithful.

I have wasted so time taking matters into my own hands. I have seen the destruction that comes from it. God has really shown me, and still shows me that I am not all-knowing. I don't have all the answers. I trust him so much right now. It is a challenge sometimes, but I know that "in all things God works for the good of those who love him, and who have been called according to his purpose"(Romans 8:28). God promises good things. Life is just a long process. It is a conglomeration of people and events. Life takes time. God definitely takes his time. There is no need for false starts.

peace. peace. love is all around.

2006-09-28T14:30:00.000-07:00

Peace. Peace. Love is all around. When I was little my mom used to say these words to me. For some reason I've been thinking about them so much today. I find so much peace in knowing how much God loves me. It doesn't matter what I do or how much I fall. He is always here for me. I need not worry about anything because he already knows everything. I trust him with my whole heart. My eyes are on him. God is so good!

Today has been such a beautiful day. The weather is perfect. The sun is shining. My mind is at ease. I love every part of it. Peace. Peace. Love is all around.

thoughts the dark will plunder

2006-09-22T23:53:00.001-07:00

I twist and I turn
I pace back and forth
These thoughts engulf me
Til I drown and go under
My lungs burn
This dreary course
It finds me
My thoughts, the dark will plunder.

I struggle with memories
Memories that blind my eyes
They churn in my gut
Like poison they lie to me
What a marvelous atrocity
My heart is tempted to die
I keep my eyes shut
For the grim reality I don't want to see.

A life without you
Seems hopeless and lonely
All I can do is pray for the best
Impatiently I wait
Someone other than you
I laugh, and I'm knowing
That you were the test
The fight, the pain to take.

Oh, Give me a reason
Just one for round two
A memory that strikes a chord
That rings in your ears
Prove separation a season
Fall, and winter too
Come back for more
Wipe from my eyes these tears.

be like children

2006-09-22T22:58:00.000-07:00

Tonight I roamed the aisles of Borders. I frequent book stores. I like how they smell. I like how there are a million things to look at. I like reading the greeting cards, looking at the calendars, and finding a quiet corner where I can curl up to read poetry. Mostly though, I love to read the children's books. They are simplistically written yet unusually significant in context. For example, I read this book called It's Hard to be Five. The five year old boy in the book vocalized the frustrations that being five years old brings. He mentioned growing out of his clothes and starting school. I thought to myself, "It is amazing how when we're little we think our lives are so hard. Then, we grow up and miss the innocence and simplicity of childhood." How often do we stress out over life so much that we miss the beauty of it? We go through life so task-minded. We set goals, achieve them, and move on. It is so sad. Personally, I am guilty of letting life fly by at lightspeed. I so often look back on my week only to find that everything is a blur. I can't remember what I did, when I did it, or what I'm going to be doing in the next seven days. I miss the days where I only worried about little things that didn't really matter.

So, with that said, I have a challenge for you. Be more like children! Matthew 18:2-4 says, "He called a little child and had him stand among them. And he said: I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven." We all need to be more like children. We need to reclaim our innocence and walk in it!

the calm after the storm

2006-09-11T00:02:00.000-07:00

The calm after the storm is where I am at right now. I'm standing in the musty air that followes the rain. The ground is wet and unstable. The clouds haven't cleared. The sky is still fixed on gray. It is here that I find hope. The sky isn't clear, but I feel relieved. The loudness of thunder and the fire of lightening is gone for now. There is only the quiet here. This is a good place. There is peace here in the silence. The rain must come in order for things to grow. Patience is necessary. I must wait out the storm to get to this quiet place - to know it and touch it. The calm is here. It may be unstable, but I am still thankful for it. Peace is here. God is here. Hope is here. Now, I can rest.

revelation for the peacemaker

2006-09-10T23:34:00.000-07:00

"Real wisdom, God's wisdom, begins with a holy life and is characterized by getting along with others. It is gentle and reasonable, overflowing with mercy and blessings, not hot one day and cold the next, not two-faced. You can develop a healthy, robust community that lives right with God and enjoy its results only if you do the hard work of getting along with each other, treating each other with dignity and honor." James 3:17-18 (Message Bible)

Wow. What a concept. We are supposed to get along with each other. You may be thinking that I am foolish to write about such a basic part of life. How often do we fight with other? In my personal experience it is so hard to get along. It is so hard to find peace in a world that hates so much.

I prayed with some friends tonight. We have been bickering all week long. We are all in a new college-life situation. We're still adjusting to having absolutely no privacy or alone time. Our space is limited. Our bodies are tired. We are frustrated. Through all of it we found a common ground. Tonight we ran to Jesus.

Jesus is our peace. He encourages us to live in peace with one another. We are called to love each other. Tonight as we prayed we allowed the peace of Jesus to fill us up. It is in the storm that God reveals his peace to us. In the storm of frustration and weakness peace showed up. I am currently consumed by it. I am in awe of who God is right now. He has given me a taste of his peace tonight. I encourage you to embrace peace this week.

Love one another and live in peace.

My Heart Breaks

2006-09-10T15:28:00.000-07:00

My heart breaks for your heart.
The gut-wrenching pain that you feel I feel too.
The ache inside of you seems more than you can handle.
I'm restless knowing you are hurting.
My heart breaks for your heart.

My heart breaks when you cry.
The tears that cascade down your cheeks fill my eyes too.
The pain inside you is deep.
I'm here to help you.
My heart breaks when you cry.

My heart longs to love you.
The gap you try to fill only I can fill.
The holes are too big for you to seal.
I can fill you and seal you.
My heart longs to love you.

My heart I give to you.
The broken heart you have I now replace with mine.
The cross I bore to save you is enough.
You are brand new and whole.
My heart I give to you.

The past few weeks God has been breaking my heart for others. My heart is so soft right now. I have literally cried because I long to help the hurting and the lost. I went to chapel this past week and during the alter call the speaker called on those whose parents have either separated or divorced since they left for college. My heart broke for them. I have not personally experienced divorce. My parents have been together twenty-three years and are more in love now than ever. I was amazed at the number of students experiencing divorce right now. The tears in their eyes pierced my soul. All I could do was ask God to be their comfort and strength. God has also been softening me in the area of community outreach and missions. I am an Outreach Assistant for my dorm this year. I am really excited to see what God is going to do through my team and I in the community. He is growing the passion in my heart to help those in need. He is showing me that my ministry is local right now. I am going to be part of a group that makes a difference. We are starting with great expectations of God's power. We are believing for visions and direction. We are confident that He will provide all we need. As my heart for others is increasing I am finding that my selfishness is decreasing. God is doing something big in my heart. I will write more about it as he reveals more to me.

New Revelation

2006-09-08T12:14:00.000-07:00

I took the name of this blog out of a song called Fly by Jason Upton. The gist of the song focuses on God's new revelation, new perspective, and freedom. I have experienced these words, and still continue to seek new revelation in my own life. I will expand on the concept of Revelation, and will write of the things that God reveals to me. I hope you'll follow my journey through the next few years.