My Soul on a Platter

It has been a while since I wrote something so deep within me. It has been so long since I have poured my soul into anything. I feel as though I am living two lives and working my butt off only to find disappointment waiting for me at the end of the day. So, here it is. All of me - as of right now.

My life is complicated. It always has been. In every area I have had to work so hard to succeed. I hate halfway doing things. I like order. I like having a plan. My room is full of clean lines and symmetry. I clean when I get angry. I cry a lot. I hate it when plans fall through. I like people to encourage me. I need it. I absolutely cannot be shallow (believe me I have tried). My self confidence wavers often. I start new journals (and blogs) when I don't like what I have written. I would rather pretend something didn't happen rather than deal with it. I start over often...if you haven't noticed. I am not carefree. I have always been a worrier. I care about people. I have very few close friends that I would tell anything and everything to. I hate leftovers (never as good as the first time). I suck at managing time and money. I dream of getting married someday. I want kids. I love God. I love to worship. I procrastinate most things. I sleep to little. I am unsure of myself. I say dumb things when I am nervous. I could go on for hours.

I am stretched to my limit right now. I am almost to a breaking point. I am reading a book right now about thinking right thoughts and being positive, but frankly, I don't feel like suppressing my emotions right now. I feel like crap currently and I am writing about it. There are so many things I cannot understand. The more I go toward one goal - the more I walk away from a dream. Why can't my goals and dreams work together? Why does it seem like no one else deals with as much frustration as I do?

I want so many things. They seem unreachable. I want to be in love again. It seems impossible. I want to look in the mirror and see what God sees. I want to know my worth. I want others to value me. I want to speak my mind to someone, but I am afraid to get my heart broken. I want to go back in time and change a few things. I want something that seems impossible. I want God to come through with his promises for me. I want to be comfortable in my skin - confident. I want to be beautiful. I want my sadness to dry up and be replaced with overwhelming joy and satisfaction. I want to be stronger.

I feel empty. I am running in circles. God, rescue me and show me you haven't walked away from me.