Finally...

I have been feeling so uninspired to write for a while. It is not that I don't want to write. I have just felt like I have nothing useful to contribute. Before, when I would write blogs, I would throw caution to the wind! I wrote passionately about my life and about truth. Lately, I have been writing blogs, but not publishing any of them because I fear no one will care, or that my writing will be judged. Writing is an outlet of the heart. If my writing is judged, so is my heart. So, here I go again...with passion.

I am a woman. Like most women, I find myself worrying all the time about the future. I am in no hurry to settle down as of now, but I get lonely sometimes. I have a little more than a year and a half of nursing school left. How on earth will I get all this work done? How will I pass Pharmacology? My stress load is insane. My family and friendships are so important to me; I have to schedule time to spend with the people I love. The ease of general education classes is gone. Staying up late to make music videos with the girls is a rare occurrence these days. I am tired...so tired.

It is in the midst of this exhaustion that I find I need God closer. I struggle including him in my busy schedule. I love Him SO much, and I want to spend more time with Him. I also have a hard time trusting Him sometimes. I have a heart bursting with desire! I ask, "God! When will I sing to you again? When will your promises manifest? When will I see the fruit of my labor?" How do I trust God when He is so silent - when the plan He has is different from the one I have? How do I give up control?

I spent about an hour the other day wrestling with God over an issue I have dealt with for the past few years. It is so hard to let go of a dream that was so close to coming true. It is difficult to see past the now, and to look toward what will be. Anyway, it took me the entire hour to give it to God completely. I finally loosened my grip, and I let Him take it. It is amazing the amount of relief I felt afterward. Now, I look back over the past few days and see that problems are so much bigger when we try to solve them without God. I feel like I can breathe now. I feel like I can trust a little more today. I will be able to trust even more as I continue to seek Him.

I love Jeremiah 29:11-14. This is the message version of the passage.

I know what I am doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. "When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. When you come looking for me, you'll find me. Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed. " God's Decree.

I hear from God through worship and through others. Sometimes when He is trying to get a point across to me He does it through repetition. I'll hear the same teaching on a subject in multiple places. All I have been hearing lately is about surrendering my life to God, and letting Him direct the path I am on. Not only this, but also to walk in confidence in who He has made me to be, and called me to be. I am tired of inadequacy. It is such a huge lie! I'm done with comparing myself to others, and feeling like I'm less than they are. I don't care if my writing is judged. My heart is on a platter and I am offering it to anyone needing a little encouragement during this time.

I love the song that says, "I am running, running after you. You've become my soul's delight." As of now, I am sprinting toward the heart of God. My hope is to hear, and feel, and know His heartbeat. Whether through nursing, or worship, or encouraging others, He is the reason I live.

Finally.