Friday, May 30, 2008

Eternity - Misty Edwards

Eternity's eternal song,

Is drawing me away, it's calling me away

It's calling me away

All flesh is grass, fading away.

Only You last, only You remain

All flesh is grass, fading away.

Only You last, only You remain the same,
You never change.

Holy, holy, holy,
You are fairer than then sons of men

Eternity's eternal song,

Is drawing me away, it's calling me away

It's calling me away

Eternity's eternal song,

Is drawing me away, it's calling me away
It's calling me away

Surely man is like the flower of the field,

And life is but a vapor, at best but a vapor.

Surely man is like a flower of the field,

And the fragrance but a vapor, at best but a vapor.

But you O God,
Are better than a thousand blooms.

Hallelujah, Amen! Hallelujah Amen!

Hallelujah Amen! Hallelujah Amen!

Hallelujah Amen! Hallelujah Amen!

Eternity's eternal song,

Is drawing me away, it's calling me away

It's calling me away

Eternity's eternal song

Friday, May 02, 2008

i am...

... officially exhausted.

Today was "the great dorm move-out." 

The past two days I have discovered that I have WAY too much stuff! Call me a pack-rat, but I hold on to things. While moving today I found cards, notes, bank statements, my college acceptance letter, and more. I am the sentimental type. I am also the type to try and learn something from everything. Today, I realized how much I hold on to, and also, how much I have let go of.

I, as of Thursday, have completed my junior year of nursing school. I cannot express the amount of accomplishment I feel. This year has, by far, been the hardest of them all - nursing and the rest of my life. My nursing class lost about fifteen people due to failure to make adequate test grades. My emotions have been a roller coaster ride. My heart has sustained break, re-break, disappointment, joy, and now contentment. Sometimes I still freak out a little. Growing up is never easy. Independence can be a lonely road. I know this full well. I have let go of a lot to pursue this nursing shindig. I left home, friends, people I care about - all to follow this dream of mine. I believe it's going to be worth it. 

I seem to keep getting reminders that God has me in His hands. I need not worry about anything. I am ready for this summer. I believe it is going to be another season of change for me. However, this time - this summer - is going to be different. I am passionate about pouring my heart into worship again. I believe God is going to pull some things out of me through it. I am excited to see growth in my walk with God, and in myself. I am ready to grow up a little more. No more messing around.

With that said, I'm going to go to bed now. 

Saturday, February 23, 2008

We shall see...

There is this little thing called fear that creeps up on me every now and then. Today, I was caught off guard by it. The reason...

I used to be the girl who wore her heart on her sleeve. At any moment you could look at me and see my thoughts written on my face. I could say anything to anyone without thinking about what it might mean. I threw my heart at a boy without a care, or a thought that it might not be safe with him. Maybe it was safe at the time, but I eventually found out that it wasn't. Ever since then I have been so guarded. I wear a mask with guys. I am guilty of leading a few of them on. I hate to disappoint. 

My dilemma is that I actually, genuinely like someone right now, but I am terrified of saying so - at least to his face. My expectations are very high. I am picky. I know what I am looking for in someone I want to end up with. I refuse to ever settle again. I just don't want to get my heart broken. 

So, here is this fear looming over me. Fear that I will not be good enough. Fear that I will, or he will fall short of expectations. Fear that things might actually go well. 

I guess we shall see...

Saturday, December 29, 2007

This and That.

1. I am home from college for Christmas break. There is a reoccurring theme in coming home. It is like I am not quite sure what to do with myself. I really do not think I know how to rest. At school I am always running around. I have a purpose. At home I get bored and feel aimless. Don't get me wrong!!! This break was much needed and I am enjoying my family and my own bed. Still, I believe I feel this way because I am not meant to be home at this point in my life. 

2. I am going to be in a wedding tomorrow. One of my best friends from high school is tying the knot with an amazing man. I am so excited for this new season in their relationship! Congratulations John and Leah!

3. On the topic of relationships...
There is no one in particular that has captivated my attention at this moment in time. I must admit I struggle in the relationship area. I am very picky and it takes me a long time to trust people with my heart, so I just don't give it away. I think it is hard to do so when you've gotten burned in the past. I am working on letting go of things I have been so angry about for so long. I think there is still some healing taking place in my mind and heart. I am figuring out how to deal with the insecurities I have about myself. So, for now I am taking it easy. 

4. I love God so much! He always knows what I need. The other night I almost lost it! I was lonely and frustrated. God was there, as he always is. I know that He loves me fully and that there is no one that can fill my heart like He does. Sometimes I forget that He holds the world in His hands and that He created me for a divine purpose! I am needed for His plan to be fulfilled on this earth. I am amazed at the grace I am given through Jesus! I rejoice at the sound of His voice and find peace in His presence. I was talking to a friend about Heaven today and how marvelous it is going to be to sing "Hosanna!" with the angels, to walk next to Jesus, and to experience life without pain and suffering! I cannot wait for Jesus to return and call His people home.

5. I like to throw in a little review every now and then...
I was surfing through iTunes to spend the $15 gift card I got in my stocking this Christmas when I stumbled upon Ian McIntosh. He is a Christian artist with a unique style. The music consists of a lot of piano and electric guitars. When I first heard it I thought of Jason Upton worship and Sigur Ros. The lyrics are like most Christian music lyrics. The concepts are not anything new or unheard of. I enjoy the songs because they fit where I am at right now. The album "Awakened" reflects a heart longing to be filled and loved again being awakened by the greatest love, the Creator. The songs "Fully Loved" and "Made to Love" are encouraging because they speak the truth about God's love for us and His purpose for our lives. The progression of the album is a lost and broken spirit that calls upon the Lord to heal the hurt and rejection that is awakened to the glory of Father! The final song on the album is called "Adoration", which exemplifies joy, peace, and thankfulness. Check him out!

6. Enjoy this random blog. = )

Monday, November 26, 2007


Oh the joys of growing up. The excitement and strain of college life mixed with a thousand emotions and roller coaster circumstances keeps me on my toes. I can only look back and laugh at the way things have turned out thus far. I have managed to become this woman who loves God with her whole heart, who is plowing through Nursing school, and whose dreams are bigger and more impossible than ever. My desire for love and family grows every day, but I am learning how to trust God with this part of my story. So many times I wish that I could just know where I'll be in the next few years. I wish I could say I was patient enough for God to reveal the amazing plans he has. Again, I am learning. 

The beauty of right now is that I have come to a place where I feel I have developed a little self-control and diligence. Self-control in trying to give my heart away is a new thing I am grasping. Diligence in my walk with God and in my studies has caused trust to grow and my grades to go up. I feel a little more satisfied with who I am every day. I feel more competent and less confused. I am excited for the things to come. 

Just a short note to update you on my silly life. 

A little review.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
I have been listening to The Village Sessions by John Mayer tonight. I love the acoustic style of the songs on this album. It really makes the lyrics seem more personal. Have a listen.

Friday, November 09, 2007

to be like her...

I have been reading a lot in Esther and in Ruth lately. I am amazed at the amount of encouragement I have received from their stories. I feel that right now in my life God is restoring my strength as a woman. He is helping me through a time of significant transformation. This time of rebuilding who I am in Him has been painful, but I am confident that His plan will be revealed to me through it. Today, I would like to talk about some of the lessons I am learning through these virtuous women.

Esther is my favorite female character in the Bible. Her strength, courage, and boldness inspire me to be like her. Esther was an incredibly beautiful Jewish woman. Her parents died when she was very young, so she was raised by Mordecai, her cousin. When King Xerxes' wife refused Him, one of his nobles suggested that the King send out an edict that brought many young women to the palace for a chance to become the new Queen. Esther was one of the women chosen. The Bible says, in Esther 2, that Esther found favor with the King's council, and she underwent twelve months of beautification treatments before she could be presented to King Xerxes. She also found favor with him. Esther's cousin, Mordecai, came to her with news that one of Xerxes officials was trying to kill all the Jews in the land. It was Esther who went to King Xerxes (which is punishable by death if not summoned by him) and requested that her people be saved. She even said, "If I perish, I perish" (Esther 3:16). The King spared her life and her people. There is a part of the story where Mordecai is asking Esther to approach the King. He says to her that she was placed in her situation of power "for such a time as this" (Esther 3:14). God gave her favor with the King in order to save her people.

Ruth was a Moabite woman. She lived with her husband and his family. She was very close with her mother-in-law, Naomi. Naomi's husband died, and then Ruth's husband died, and then Ruth's sister-in-law's husband died. The three women were left with nothing. Naomi urged both of her daughters-in-law to go back to their families, and hopefully then, they would remarry. Ruth's sister-in-law complied, but Ruth was faithful to stay with Naomi. Ruth and Naomi went back to Moab, where they me Boaz, a relative of Naomi's husband. Ruth went out into his fields and gathered the leftover harvest. Boaz was pleased with her faithfulness and her desire to be a servant. At the end of the story, Boaz marries Ruth and restores her family's home.

I want to be like Esther. I want to sacrifice myself for others, step out in authority and boldness, and walk in favor everywhere I go. I want to be like Ruth, serving others and finding restoration. I want to be like Naomi; stripped of everything I have (even though it is hard) in order to inherit the blessings God has for me. I want to be a virtuous woman, striving to walk out God's plan for my life. I want to see what He sees in me. I want to get so lost in Him that people have to search His heart to find mine.

The past few weeks have been extremely difficult. God really is stripping me of everything I rely on in order to find Him. My heart has been shattered and stepped on. My emotions have been overwhelming. I have been depressed and bitter. My self-esteem has been crumbling beneath me. My computer crashed. My iPod broke. My finances are a mess. I have been trying to keep my head above the water, so I don't drown in circumstances. I have found myself crying out to God to rescue me, but for a while he has been so silent. God, what should I do?

The encouragement I have received from Him is to continue to be faithful. God wants me to be faithful to Him and where He has placed me. Like Esther, I am where I am for such a time as this. Like Ruth followed Naomi, I want to follow Jesus. Like Naomi, I want to press on in the midst of the trouble. I am learning to praise God in the middle of hell, to never give up hope, to remember that He loves me. As Oral Roberts would say, "God is a good God!"

I am being refined by fire. God, may I come out of this more beautiful than I have ever been before!

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Sell Myself.

There are a lot of things about God and about life that I do not understand right now. I am amazed at the immense amount of pain I have suffered in my life, and at the same time bitter about it. I love God with all my heart, but have struggled this week to feel like he cares anything about me. I know in my head that he cares. My heart is having a little harder of a time believing it. I feel like a salesperson. 'Hi! My name is Amber. This is who I am. Is it good enough for you?' Lately, it seems no one is interested in what I have to offer. I hate to admit it, but I am beginning to doubt myself. It is hard to be obedient to God and not see any fruit produced. I ask Him to speak. There just aren't any answers for me at this time. God is silent, and I am still waiting to hear from Him. I am ready for some life in this body, mind, and heart. Where is the joy? Where is the hope spoken of in Jeremiah 29:11? Where is the glory spoken of in Psalm 73? Where is the boldness of Esther that was spoken over my life? Where is the destiny that brought me to ORU found...not just the career, but the calling of God? When will God's glorious plan be revealed in me? I am gripping my faith right now. I know God will come through somehow, but when?