Insignificant.

Routine. Mundane. Insignificant. This is how I feel right now. I feel as though all originality has escaped me. Like I do the same thing every day. I am confined to a schedule with no room to be carefree.

It is past my delightful Christian college curfew, and I am going crazy inside. I need to go roll around in the snow or something. Do a craft project. Build something so I feel useful. Is it just me or do other people feel like this too?

What is it that makes life feel like it is in a box? Is my life really in a box? Is there room for significance and change? I suppose so, but right now the next two and a half years of my life are planned. There is no light at the end because the end is miles away. Why do I feel like stability is what I need, and at the same time wish I could drop everything and discover the world - a life without walls - a life free to change with the wind? There seems to be a protocol for success. Go to college. Make something of yourself. Make money. Then, Shabam! You are a success.

Despite my cynicism I really do enjoy college. I just get sick of the routine sometimes. I am tired of feeling insignificant. I hate waiting for big things to happen. I know God is still working on me, and I just need to hang on.

That is all for now.

lead me as i go.

overflow - chris tomlin

here i bring my stains and crown
gentle river wash me now
Your love is deeper than i know
Your waves higher than i can go
lead me in Your holiness
i will follow, i confess
glory is the song i sing
Your life is living me

where would i be, without You, without You
where would i be without You

i will bow before the cross
cherish my redeemer's cost
there is nothing i can do
than only stand amazed by You
immersing You with everyday
wrapped up in Your arms of grace
nothing more, You're all i need
Your life is living me

like a waterfall, You fill my heart and overflow
like a candle flame, You light my way and lead me as i go

where would i be, without You, without You
spirit overflow, let me overflow


It is so hard to let God lead. I was talking to a very close friend about God's will for my life. I am in God's will right now. I am following my call and purpose. I am certain of it. But something struck me while listening to this song (above). The words "lead me as i go" pierced my heart. "Lead me AS I GO"! Not "Tell me everything in the plan so I can take my life into my own hands, avoid all trouble, and cut out the parts that are less desirable."

During worship yesterday I was completly overcome by the Holy Sprit and by God's love. I fell to my knees and cried. Since the beginning of this semester (about 3 weeks ago) I have been so busy with schoolwork. I am actually studying this semester...and doing really well in my classes. But, you know what? These weeks have been a blur. I feel like I have done pretty much the same thing every night - study. My life right now is very routine. There is so much good in it though. I am learning a lot about relying on God for strength and supernatual encouragement. He has blessed me more than I could have imagined. The concept of letting God lead me as I am running this race of life is profound. He only gives me one step at a time. As I am in his will, and as I trust him he is revealing more and more to me about myself. He is showing me that my relationships are important. My education is important. My family is so supportive. Again, I AM BLESSED!

I have been reading through some passages in Isaiah the past few days. Here are a few verses.

At that time, this song will be sung in the country of Judah: We have a strong city, Salvation City, built and fortified with salvation.Throw wide the gates so good and true people can enter. People with their minds set on you, you keep completely whole, Steady on their feet,because they keep at it and don't quit. Depend on God and keep at it because in the Lord God you have a sure thing. Those who lived high and mighty he knocked off their high horse. He used the city built on the hill as fill for the marshes. All the exploited and outcast peoples build their lives on the reclaimed land. The path of right-living people is level. The Leveler evens the road for the right-living. We're in no hurry, God. We're content to linger in the path sign-posted with your decisions.Who you are and what you've done are all we'll ever want. Through the night my soul longs for you. Deep from within me my spirit reaches out to you. (Isaiah 26:1-9, Message)

I am keeping at it. My feet are firm. My heart is content in letting God lead me as I go.

love, kisses, and smiles

Love...I desire it. Kisses, hmmm...I like. Smiles...I am a sucker for. A combination of the three...Perfect. I have none of these at the moment, but I'm okay with that. Thinking about them makes me happy. That's all for now.

heart, smooch, smile,
am

Undignified

This is awesome!

seeing it this way

I learned a lesson this morning. I saw a crappy situation in a different light. Here is how is all went down.

I am a nursing student. Today is the third day of school. My schedule is very different this semester. In general, I am still pretty new to campus. Anyway, today I was late for my 7:50am Microbiology class. The professor is a tough one. He hates lateness and frowns upon it. He told this to the class on the first day. He also told us that we can't take our daily, 10-point quiz if we are late. Now, in my mind, this is no big deal. I am very rarely late to anything. I am an on-time person 99.9% of the time. Not this morning.

My alarm went off. I got up. I got ready. I left 15 minutes early. I was on-time!!! However, I lost my brain on the way to class, and forgot what room the class was in. I would have known if I hadn't have left my schedule in my dorm. So, I went to the wrong floor. Honest mistake.

I got to class 5 minutes late, got a look of disgust from my professor, and was refused my very first quiz! What a way to start a semester. Crap!

There is a two-fold, deeper point to this blog. The first is that sometimes no matter how hard we try to be on top of things, sometimes circumstances just don't allow it. We may have good intentions, but crap happens! I am a good student because I work hard. I leave early to be on time. Today, a mistake got in the way.

My second point deals with how we should handle situations where circumstances decide our fate. What do we do when something unexpected, or unintentional happens? Do we get mad and curse about it? Do we take it out on others? Do we let it ruin our day? No. We should try to approach it from a different angle.

In my case, I was irritated for a few minutes, but chose to see it this way. "Today was an accident. It was not my professor's fault. It was unintentionally my fault. So, I will just be more careful next time."

The older I get the more I realize that this world is not about me. It doesn't matter how much I try to be in control. I am not. I have said it before. I hate it when plans fall through. I hate it when things don't go the way I want or plan them to. When something happens that we don't expect, or want to avoid, it hurts us. We suffer. We lose. We get irritated. It is hard to overcome it and move on.

I encourage you to look at hard things in a different light. I'm not just suggesting you make everything crappy in your life look "nice" or to hide it in any way. I am just asking you to avoid letting crap ruin your day. This life is not about happiness. Happiness doesn't last. Looking at things from the perspective that God is in control, and He really does have your best interest in mind will help you have joy. Joy is a gift, and only comes from God himself. Think about it.

I shall go out with joy and be led forth with peace. The mountains and the hills shall break forth before me into singing, and the trees of the field shall clap their hands. (Isaiah 55:12, NIV)

don't love your broken pieces...

Don't love your broken pieces.
Don't hang on to every one.
For love may be what's broken,
But old pieces must be gone.

If you give in you will give up.
If you reverse, turn back, or run.
You'll wind up like your pieces, broken
Your love, whole, nevermore.

Don't love that shattered memory.
Don't waste away like time.
For memories wither too, you see,
Let good ones change your mind.

If you look ahead you'll move ahead.
Not left or right, but up
You'll wind up something you always dreamed of
In love, whole, forevermore.

I don't know if you are like me, but I love my broken pieces way too much! When something hurts me, or my day goes wrong, I pull out my broken pieces and chew on them for a while. I remember all the things that make me unhappy. I talk about them with others as if they are still part of my life. Oh, those pieces will getcha! They sting. They numb. They make every part of you ache. But, you know what? We cannot love our pieces. We cannot sit in limbo forever and expect a good result.

I cannot tell you enough how much I take one step forward and two steps back. My pieces make me do that. Just a few thoughts on this late night.

redirection

Tonight I talked to my dad for quite a while. My dad and I are really close. All my life I have acted and reacted just like him. We are both incredibly analytical, focused, intolerant of immaturity, worriers, and stressed out about 90% of the time. We laughed about it because my mom and brother are so carefree, and we aren't. Anyway, my dad said something to me tonight. He said, "Amber, you are way too hard on yourself. You are analytical, and it isn't necessarily a bad thing. You just need to redirect it." Typically, I was quick to "analyze" this. My thoughts being, "How do I do this?" and "What do I need to change about myself?"

Zig Ziglar said this, "You are what you are and you are where you are because of what has gone into your mind. You change what you are and you change where you are by changing what goes into your mind."

My mind is a busy place. I have a love/hate relationship with it. When I dwell on past events that have shaped where I am now instead of focusing on the "now" I see defeat instead of success. I see failed relationships, friendships, and plans that have fallen through instead of a girl-turned-woman, a nursing degree within reach, and a lifetime of God's glory just waiting to be unveiled. I am not saying that it isn't okay to mourn what has been lost, or that getting emotional is wrong. Emotions are reminders that we are "real". God created us with them. However, I agree with Zig Ziglar's statement. We have to make up our minds every day that we are going to endure. If there is will and motivation to press on, then pressing on and succeeding are most likely to result. The days I feel the worst are the days I sit around dwelling on broken pieces of my heart. I do not believe my heart is whole right now, but I do have the will and the motivation to move forward in life. I also have a God that is in the process of healing me. I refuse to stay in a state of mourning.

So, this is my attempt to redirect my analytical mind.