Ugly

So, I just read over a blog post that I wrote back in March. I believe it was titled, "A Familiar Psalm." Anyway, when reading it over I laughed, and then almost cried. Why? Because I said this:

"I encourage you to ask God to investigate your life. When you do make sure you're prepared for the ugly. Be ready for him to do as you ask. See what is in there that he needs to break."

Upon writing that blog I prayed that God would investigate my life and show me the things that needed to change. I was apparently NOT ready for the ugly. Everything, seriously everything since that day seems to have surfaced. The ugly has been, and continues to come out in me. I can't tell all, but I will explain some of the things I have been going through.

Choices. I have made so many bad ones lately. When given the opportunity to lay down my flesh - to really seek what God would have me do, I have failed! MISERABLY! I have done things that do not reflect my true character. I have given over to my flesh with the mindset, "It doesn't matter because I've never done it before. So what if I act like the world for just a little while. So what if I give in to sin." Wow! Who the crap am I anymore?

Using people. For attention. For emotional backing. Even subconsciously (yes, it is possible). Wow! Again, who am I?

Selfish. This kind of goes along with using people. It is so easy to get caught up in what I want. I have to look out for myself right? If I don't, who will? Still, I can look out for myself-guard my heart without stepping on others in the process.

Ugly. I am reminded lately just how human I am. No matter how much good I do, I am human, and I sin...ALL THE TIME! I am NOT okay with inside ugliness. I am not okay with the way I have been living.

On the flip side:

Grace. Thank God for his unfailing, never-ending, overwhelming grace. I praise Him because he forgives me. I know that he loves me despite everything.

Discipline. I am being disciplined by God. Maybe not in the physical, but definitely in my spirit. I am daily convicted. With this discipline comes redemption. Thank God for redemption!

I am tired of being ugly.