"Look at me-I'm Shattered." - The Rolling Stones
There are so many words, and not enough all at the same time to describe the condition of my heart right now. It is amazing the depth of the human heart. Even more amazing - the heart of God for the human heart. I am struggling so much right now to understand the love God says he has for me. This seems like basic "Christian" knowledge. You know, "For God so loved the world that he gave his only son...John 3:16). However, being a Christian has become more of an idea than a relationship to so many people. How can the idea of God produce the love of the Father, God? It can't. Anyway, this has been a problem for me lately. To simply know (because I am told by people and the Bible) that God loves me and wants to restore my heart to wholeness is not enough. I must experience it. This is another problem. I have access to God through the Holy Spirit, and I ask for wholeness and healing. It just hasn't happened yet...for a long time. I am at the point of cynicism. This is not good! I pray, talk to God for a while, and ask him to make himself known - to give me something that will heal the deep wounds of my heart. After doing so my immediate thought is usually, "Yeah right. Don't hold your breath." I hate this.
I am reading an amazing book right now called Waking the Dead - The Gory of a Heart Fully Alive, by John Eldredge. This is a big deal. First of all, I am not a big read-for-fun kinda girl. I like to write, but reading bores me most of the time. Not this time. I have had the book for three days and I'm almost done. Anyway, the focus of the book is the restoration of a broken, divided heart. I have cried several times while reading it because so much of it reflects me right now. Eldredge talks about the spiritual war going on for the heart. Satan wants to steal, kill, and destroy my glory. God wants to defeat him and unveil my glory. God wants to show me that my heart is good. He did not make it evil or worthless. He did not create me to shrink back to nothingness. That is not who God is.
The cuts in my heart are deep. So deep that repair and wholeness seem impossible. I have been an explosion-waiting-to-happen lately. The smallest things set me off. Instead of rejoicing in other's triumphs, I cry out of jealousy and inadequacy. "You will never be anything to anyone" is what runs through my head. Lies! Lies from Satan! I know. But I have lost control of my heart and my emotions. I can't stop the tears when they start. I can't keep from anger and depression. This is where God is. WHAT? That's right. God is here at the point of me losing control. He has control. I believe that he can, and will restore this painful brokenness in my heart. He is surfacing things right now because I have to look them in the face, take his hand, and walk through them. He is refusing to let me run away this time. I always run. I hide behind a smile so often because I want to control my pain. I think that if I stuff it down deep enough I will forget it is there. It is time to get to the root of all this.
God, what is it you need to heal? Find it in me and dissolve it. I give you permission to pull out every hurt. Bind the pieces of my heart together. Give life to this dead body. I need you to heal me. I need restoration. I need hope. Forgive me for handling this brokenness with false comforters. Nothing and no one can fix my heart. Only you can. Let me hear your words of comfort. Surround me with your presence, and let me know you're working in me. Unveil my beauty, and the glory you have for me.
John Eldredge quotes Saint Irenaeus, "The glory of God is man fully alive." Without a heart fully alive -whole, the glory of God in us cannot be revealed.
Let the healing begin.
2 comments:
Wow!! In all truthfullness girl you have just described me to the teeth. Ive been struggling with the same thing for years. I have changed alot since a few years ago but i find myself in a stalemate with well myself. There is that side of me who doesnt want to feel or be close to anyone for fear of pain{i used to be like that}. I was like this for years until i realized it was cuasing me just as much pain. So i decided to change. And I have but now, like I said earlier im stuck in a rut. I cant move forward, something is stopping me. Like you said Amber satan attacks constantly. Unfortunately for me i cant find the strength to release the pain inside. I envy you that you have the strength to cry and mourn. I have this persona about me that people tell me about. The so called bad ass image and what not. People tell me im dark and mysterious. Not many people know about my past. My ex even called me arrogant. What most people dont know is the war that rages inside me. God versus satan.
This war is never ending and only seems to get harder. Ive had moments that I almost lost my emotional integrity. But for some reason i fight it ever time. It scares me to death the thought of "losing it". Ive have always been about control and strengh. Not letting anyone know my weakness or see them for that matter. How do I let go? How do I release whats inside without losing myself in the process????
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