a few things on my mind...

I think I have felt a hundred different emotions today. It is a good thing I don't live by emotion because I would have run myself ragged. There are so many things on my mind, so I will try to organize them into something understandable. Just bear with me.

The first thing on my mind...

I am anxious. I know God has something in the works, but I have no clue about it. I'll draw this out for you. Picture it...

You are five years old and it is the day before Christmas. Assuming that your parents didn't brainwash you with a belief in Santa Claus, you are sitting in front of your Christmas tree shaking presents to try to guess what they are. You beg your parents to let you open one early, but the answer is no. But no doesn't mean no to you. You still sit and shake the presents. You ask yourself...why not now?

A few observations from the previous scenario...

1. You, as a child knew that your parents would provide a present for you. Come on! It's Christmas. They aren't going to forget to get you something. They aren't going to rub in your face the fact that everyone else has gotten a present. There is a present under the tree for you!

2. You are in the right place...in front of the tree.

3. The timing is wrong! It is the day BEFORE Christmas!

I feel like the five year old. The presents are taunting me - laughing, so to speak. Inch by inch I move closer to the tree. The second hand on the clock ticks ever so slowly. Everyone else is sleeping...resting...but not me. I am wide awake just waiting to see what I got! This is my life right now. I know God has something for me. I'm in the right place. I have totally changed my life to be in the right place. I feel like it is the right time, and in a sense it is. It is the right time for me to be away at school, and the right time for me to be figuring life out. Why isn't it the right time to know what I am supposed to do with my life? Is it going to happen tomorrow? The easy part about the Christmas scenario is that the five year old knows the exact day that the mysterious gift will be revealed. I don't!

Another thing on my mind...

So many emotions are stirred up when I am at home. I love my home, but I left for a reason. I left so I could move on. Being home stirs up some painful issues I have had to deal with in the past year. I feel like I am always running away from something.

And another...

I stay up way too late worrying about things.

I have so many more, but I am done for tonight.